me my gf and her grandson were eating pizza at the gas station (the pump n pantry)

this was earlier tonight

a guy came in and bought a bottle of wine

he left silently

alone

he was young

and ever since

ive been imagining him drinking (alone) tonight in his (supposed) apartment in our tiny town in pennsylvania

and whether this fantasy is true

its got me thinking about my old self

(or—my younger self)

who went out drinking by himself

who bought bottles of wine my himself

like—a lot

like—the vast majority of wine ive ever drank has been by myself

and that is how i wanted it—or that is how it had to be

and it wasnt all tragic drinking (it wasnt even all sad)

but it was as sad as drinking is

in general

(its often kinda sad)

im just thinking of myself—sitting in my favorite restaurants in la—sitting in my apartment in dayton watching lost in translation on dvd—drinking by myself

enjoying being sad

enjoying feeling that emotion

reaching out for something (in my life)

i wanted a personal connection (but didnt believe one was possible)

i wanted to make my art (but i was just getting going)

and i was drinking by myself often

sometimes it was a safe thing for me to do—safer than hanging around people i didnt like (or couldnt trust)

i did grow spiritually while drinking

i did paint and write while drinking

but it was always (to some degree) a holding pattern

it was always me being pretty much stagnant (but protected)

im thinking of those nights tonight

and im thinking about that guy i saw at the pump n pantry earlier

feeling an affinity with him

as (in my mind) he drinks alone