Pussy be rampant. They be so much pussy at this school they has to haul in dicks from out of town just to fuck it all. The female-to-male ratio be something like three to one. On weekends, guys be drivin' in from Youngstown, Abilene, as far away as Dexter.

Girls want dick. They is drooling for it. Eighteen-year-old hunnies with nothing better to do than spread and get a hot spike in they cooch.

School is just a pretense. No one care about classes or grades. In class we get our dicks sucked while the prof is doin' his thing. I once came in this girl Jenny's hair while she sucked me off in Intro to Philosophy 101.

The main way to get pussy be in the club. Get a bitch drunk, go to her place, fuck her. She wake up in the morning like what the hell happened to me, her cooch aching like she had a rolling pin up there. She ask her girlfriends, and they be like, "You remember that one guy? You took him home." Then you fuck her friends.

Bitches love dick. They is no question about it. Some bitches pretend they ain't into all that---but they is. Trust me, they is.

I met this one bitch, she likes to have two dicks inside her at once. She told me this when I was fucking her. So me and my buddy James fucked her. Two dicks in her pussy at the same time! That girl had a big cooch.

Sometimes I like to bring a gun with me to a girl's house and stick that in her when she's passed out. With the bullets in it and everything. I like to think about what would happen if I pulled the trigger, that bullet would go up through her pussy and through her cervix and up through her baby-making pouch and then through her lungs and out her head. I want to cum like that, through a bitch's head.

I like to cum in a bitch's mouth when she asleep. Get her nice and stoned and then get on top of that bitch like I'm ridin' a zebra. Then stick my dick in her mouth and rub it against her gums. I like when a bitch has good dental work. You can get off just by rubbing on her cheeks. A bitch's tongue rolls back when she's passed out. But the inside of a bitch's cheeks is soft as hell. You can cum there.

When a bitch is passed out, you have to hold her down a bit because she's not completely passed out. Somewhere, below the twelve Jägermeisters, that bitch is still awake. She got certain reflexes intact. She can still kick your nuts when you're on top of her. So you grab her neck and choke that bitch a little. Her eyes will go gray. Then you know you got her ready for some prime, prime fucking.

Bitches love fucking. Some act like they don't, but those are the ones that need it the most. Quiet ones. The friend of the friend with the librarian glasses. She's fantasizing about me giving it to her from the first moment she sees me. You know she is. She goes home and jerks off that little cunt thinkin' about my cock sliding into her and ticklin' her inside parts. The cute librarian ones need it the most.

I once met this girl who didn't want me. She acted like she didn't. I got her drunk and fucked her with my gun in her mouth.

But mostly they easy going. They want you to come over. That's one rule. Never bring a bitch to your place. Always go to hers. You don't want that bitch tracking you down. Plus that's part of the thing: you want to cum on her sheets, let her pussy juice make a wet spot in her bed. It helps me get off when I'm in the girl's bed.

I usually like to steal a girl's panties. I keep 'em in a jar, squished down real tight, as a reminder of all the places I've been. I keep 'em on my desk, as an example to less fortunate males. Males who don't get pussy. Males who are into "relationships."

Some males think that females are out of they reach. They do they pathetic little to reach them. They text. They call. They play out the little games they mother taught 'em and hope that will get 'em laid.

There are only two ways to get laid: get her drunk or have her like you. The first is foolproof whereas the second is hit or miss. If you wait around for a girl to like you, you could be waitin' a long time. When you get a bitch drunk, results are immediate.

You go out with your boys, looking sharp in a nice shirt or something. Hair slicked back, plenty of product. (Bitches like product.) You select a nice club preferably on State Street. Then you sit back and wait. The bitches will be on you like peanut butter on jelly. When they dance, you might be tempted to go to them. But don't. Bitches like when you stay put. You watch them dance. You check out the way they move. You think: is this the kind of bitch who is likely to have a live pussy? Is she likely to be too stuck up? Too resistant to force? Does she have mace? Watch the warning signs. A bitch who thinks too much is likely to have friends who think too much. You want an academic bitch, no doubt---where's the fun in fucking a dotard? You want a bitch in high-level classes but who likes to drink like your uncle. A bitch who likes to party too much for her own good. A bad bitch. A bitch who likes to get in trouble.

The best is a submissive bitch. Who sucks your dick as soon as you in the dorm room, kneelin' on the floor and shit. Fuck, I love when a bitch sucks my balls. Because you know they don't want to do that shit. But the fact that they'll do it anyway, with all that hair in they mouth..well..some bitches are truly desperate for cock, what can I say?

I tells you about a girl named Mary. Mary be's a freshman, she has they librarian glasses and everything. True scholar. I mean seriously, she was like a Rhodes Scholar or something. Biology major. About 5'2". Big-ass titties. Mary comes up to me in the dorm. Asks me if I'll lick her pussy. I said, Mary, you know I'm not going to lick your pussy. She says Why not. I say, Because, I can smell your nasty pussy from here and I don't lick stinky pussy. She says she'll wash it, and come back, and will I lick her pussy. So I said, Ok, you wash it, and I'll meet you in your room in half an hour. So half an hour passes. I peruse some porn I have on my computer to try and get in the mood---nothing special, just some video of a woman getting fucked by a horse. Then I go up to Mary's room. Knock on the door. She answers in some sort of nineteenth-century neglige, like we're going to make love or something. I said Mary this isn't that kind of party. Then I pull out my gun. I put it in her face and I say, "Get down on your knees and suck my cock." She says, "Is this a joke?" And I say, "No, do you wanna get shot in the head?" So she sucks my cock. I get hard. Then I say, "Mary, get on your stomach on the floor, I'm gonna fuck your ass. Have you ever been fucked in the ass before?" She says no. I say, "Well, you're gonna like this. Just like opening presents on Christmas morning. Don't scream too loud or I'll shoot you in the fucking head, understood?" That's my story about Mary.

Mary I fucked in the ass. But I'm almost exclusively a pussy man. Ass fucking is more of a novelty to me, something to do when you don't even respect a girl enough to fuck her cunt. I like a pussy that's nice and clean, no hair, though I'll fuck a hairy pussy---in a pinch. I prefer big pussy lips, no roast beef, nice and tight and plenty of moisture on the inside but no drips. Keep that shit to yourself, you don't need to be flowing all out on the sheets and shit.

I like to spank a pussy with a fly swatter, to fatten it up before I fuck it. Get that pussy red with some hard spanks. Then spit on my hand, stick my fingers inside it, then come in with the dick, spreadin' those lips with my dickhead, then sweet, sweet fucking.

You might disagree with my style of fucking. For instance, you might prefer the girl to be awake. But I prefer 'em passed out, high on Jägermeister, with their legs spread and my gun in their mouth, finger on the trigger so that I could accidentally shoot them through the skull in a moment of passion. I like to hold back a little, stop a few times right before I cum so the cum builds up and shoots up into they cervix like a bullet, just like a bullet from a gun.

Fucking is good. I know a lot about fucking. You could say I'm sort of a specialist. When it comes to smacking a pussy with a fly swatter, those are just some of the tricks I can teach you. I know a lot of tricks, and someday maybe I can tell you about those, but to tell you the truth my favorite trick is getting a girl to fuck me when she really don't want to.


I was going to see my boy. My man's name is Sherman. We call him Tic Toc because that's how he is with the ladies..it's only a matter of time, see? Only a matter of time before he gets in they sweet panties.

My man was up in the joint sipping pumpkin lattes. Girls like that. Shows your sensitive side. Neither me or Sherman liked pumpkin lattes, but you do what you gotta do, know what I'm sayin'?

I came in through the side door. "Whassup?"


"My man. Tic Toc. What are you up to?"

"Just chillin'."

"Drinking your pumpkin latte." I smile.

Tic Toc lifts his cup.

I sit on the couch across from him. Start scopin' out the hunnies. Couple of potentials over by the front door. I turn around. Sly hunny at the counter, ordering her drink. Short skirt. Some bumpage on the legs but that can be fixed with any number of skin creams. Sometimes you have to fix a bitch up before you fuck her.

"So listen." That was Sherman talking. Didn't he see I was checking out the hunnies?

"Shut up," I say. Then I whisper, "Shut your fucking mouth."

That bitch at the bar was looking around. Here she comes..here she comes..no.

I turn around to Sherman. "You know what I want to do to that bitch?"


"Check out the fly hunny at the bar." I point my finger.

Sherman's eyes brighten.

"You like her?"


"Well here's what I'm gonna do to her. First I'm gonna eat that bitch out. Get her real horny."

"Where are you gonna do this?"

"In the bathroom. Shut up. So I'm gonna get her in the stall back there. Lock the door. Get that bitch all up on the toilet with her legs spread and eat that bitch out---"

"Why do you like eatin' bitches out so much?"

"I like..to eat a bitch out..because it gets the bitch horny. That way they don't mind when you stick your dick in them. Especially when you stick it in their ass."

"Why you want to stick it in they ass?"

"I don't. I do it for my health. Have you ever ass fucked a girl, Sherman?"

Sherman is silent. Then he says, "No."

"Well. First of all use a condom. And never ass fuck a bitch when she has diarrhea."

"How does you know if she has diarrhea?"

"Tic Toc. Sherman. Do you want to hear my story? You only ass fuck a bitch when she doesn't have diarrhea and you know she doesn't have diarrhea because you clock what the bitch eats."

"How do you clock what the bitch eats?"

"What do you think I be doin' in the cafeteria? Why do you think we be sittin' close to where the fly hunnies sit? Do you see the notebook I be carryin' around with me? What do you think is in that? My chemistry homework? No. That's records, my man. Of everything a bitch eats. Stay away from bitches who eat citrus, or bitches who smoke, as that can cause diarrhea. You want a bitch who eats yogurt with every meal. Stay away from vegans---their farts stink. Have you ever smelled a vegan's farts?"


"Well try it sometime."



"She's leaving."

I look over at that bad-skin bitch who was at the counter. She's going out the side door.

"I didn't want her anyway."

"What was you gonna do to her?"

"After I ate that bitch's pussy out?" I say this real loud, by accident, and some hunnies behind Sherman look over. "What are you lookin' at?"

They turn back around.

"Mind your own fucking business," I say. "So after I ate that bitch's pussy out," I say extra loud, "I was gonna thump her in the mouth with my fat cock. Slap that bitch till she has marks on her face. Get that bitch's face real red then cum in her mouth. Then make her spit my cum in the toilet between her legs and then THROW that bitch out of the bathroom. Nasty bitch. Shouldn't be drinkin' pumpkin lattes in the first place."

The girls behind Sherman are starting to look our way again.

"Any bitch who drinks pumpkin spice lattes is asking to get fucked in the mouth. Have you ever met a bitch who drank pumpkin spice lattes who didn't deserve to get fucked in the mouth?"

I wait for Sherman's answer.


"Sherman. Take a look behind you and tell me whether you think these freshman bitches up in this piece deserve to get fucked in the mouth."

Sherman turns around.

One of the girls behind him looks directly at me. The rest keep their heads down.

"What are you lookin' at?" I stand up.

She keeps looking at me, this sweet-looking face with lipstick. She looks like a bitch that probably keeps a ferret as a pet. English major, something in the humanities. Probably a virgin.

"Do you let your ferret lick your ass?" I say.


"Do you let that pet ferret of yours lick your asshole?"

"I don't have a pet ferret."

"'Cause you look like a bitch with a ferret."

She turns away from me. I can only see her boobies from the side now. She and her friends are talking low. One of her friends is packing up her books.

"No," the girl says. "We're staying."

She puts a hand on her friend's book, flattening it on the table. Then she looks at me. She gives me a look of such disgust my dick starts to get hard.

I sit down. Sherman and I shake our heads.

"Bitches," he says.

I laugh.

We lean in together, heads above the table between us.

Sherman says, "I'm gettin' into some trouble up at Bruno's later on, you wanna come."

I smile. "What kind of trouble you getting into?"

"Well," Sherman says, "Macro knows this bitch from his polisci class that wants to fuck him, so I'm going up there to be his wingman."

"If she already wants to fuck him, why does he need a wingman?"

"She doesn't know she wants to fuck him."


"He's taking me..so it won't be awkward. So he's not like alone going to a bar."

"I see."

"You could come along and be my wingman."

"Is this bitch hot?"

"I've never seen her."

"Well is they hot bitches at Bruno's?"

At this point that little defiant bitch at the next table looks over at me and doesn't break eye contact. Do you believe that shit? I wish I had my gun. Pop that bitch dead and go on with my conversation.

She says, "Would you mind keeping it down?"

I breathe out, trying to calm myself. I say, "What's your name?"

"I ain't tellin' you my name."

"Well..whatever your name is..why don't you mind your own FUCKING BUSINESS?"

At this point she gets up and goes to the manager. I see her pointing over at me and Sherman's table and her sweet forehead looking all concerned.

"That bitch just ratted us out," Sherman says.

"No shit."

Then the manager comes over. I give him a real sweet look, like the look of an angel.

"I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down."

"Uh, officer," I say, "I swear I didn't see the sign."

"Still, this is a study bar, so I need you to respect the environment."

"Oh, I didn't realize this was a study bar."

He just stands there.

"Are people required to study, I mean is that like an imperative?"

"We like to keep a study atmosphere."

"So you don't mind if I sit here and not study, minding my own business with my man here, drinking pumpkin spiced lattes?"

"Actually, you're not drinking anything, and since you haven't ordered I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"I'll get something. Oh, I'll get something. I'll get something, I was just talking with my man here."

"Well you're talking too loud."

"Duly noted, my brotha. We will not speak loud in The Establishment. Now let's go up there and take care of that pumpkin latte problem."

He looks at me like he doesn't like my particular flavor of the language, but he goes, and I follow. I get my pumpkin spiced latte and I get henceforth back to my seat.

The girl has her head in her books. She's pretending to study. She's thinking about me. I'm the kind of guy a girl has trouble getting out of her head. Because she knows I'm bad. And she knows I'll be bad for her. But she can feel me, in her panties, from the moment she meets me. I make her wet, I make her want to fuck. When a girl meets me she'll be rushing for fresh panties five times a day.

"Ok," I say.

"Ok what?"

"I'll go with you tonight. To Bruno's."


"Don't be draggin' me to no sausage bar."

"There's girls, don't worry."

"Do you guarantee it?"

Sherman sips his latte.

"I want a guarantee. In blood, preferably. I want you to guarantee that there will be pussy coming out the walls of this bar you're taking me to. Don't make me walk your ass home. I want to be fishing out tampons of bleeding bitches and sucking on those motherfuckers with my teeth."

Sherman looks at me.

"I'm serious. I want some studious freshman pussy with red lipstick begging to give it up." I'm looking at the freshman girl. "There better be bitches so tight I can't even get my little finger up in that motherfucker."

The freshman girl turns around. She's burning into me with these hateful eyes. "You're revolting," she says.

And that's when I fell in love.


It was a while longer before I again saw Little Miss Defiance. She had to do her things and I had to do mine before we were to meet the second time. While she was masturbating to my image and sticking all manner of vegetables into her pussy, I was hanging with my boys, Tic Toc and Macrobiotik. We were at Bruno's.

"Is this it?"

Macrobiotik looked at me. "What do you mean, is this it?"

"Sherman, you promised me this wouldn't be a sausage fest."

"It isn't." Sherman motions toward the dance floor. "There's like..a seven-to-one ratio out there."

"Yes, but all those bitches are sasquatches. Sasquatches don't count."

"Show me one sasquatch."

I point to a very large girl with hairy armpits. "Sasquatch."

"Just 'cause there's one sasquatch doesn't mean they're all sasquatches."

"Yes it does. They infect. I'm going to take a piss."

I get up. I can see those motherfuckers later. Dragging me to this hellhole..sasquatch-breeding motherfucker. Bruno's huh? I think Bruno has a pink dildo up his ass.

I go down this long hallway leading to the bathroom. There's a guy and a girl making out. He's this academic-looking type, and she has on fishnets, is slightly taller than him, and has a purse slung from her shoulder. It's open. As I walk by I look in the purse and it's littered with condoms.

I say, "What's up?"

They both kind of turn and look at me.

"I said what's up, baby?" I do this little motion with my hands that's designed to make a bitch go crazy.

The guy is looking at me like he's really angry.

I say, "Tell your man to stop looking at me."

The guy says, "Just leave us alone, ok?"

I keep my eyes on the girl. "Tell that motherfucker to stop looking at me."

She puts her hands on his cheeks and turns his head to her. "Stop looking at him." He turns and they're looking each other in the eyes.

"What's your boy's name?"


"He fuck you in the ass?"

She doesn't say anything. I'm looking at her body. She's got fly legs. Fly tits. And a fly-ass face.

"Francis, what do you think you're doing with a girl like that? You can't handle her."

"And you could?" the girl says.

"Yeah," I say, and smile. "What kind of tampons you use, bitch? Kotex? Playtex?"

"Let's go," the guy says.

But I flash my gun.

"I wouldn't do that," I say.

"I use OB alright."

"Super protection? Extra glide?"

"Super protection."

"What size?"

"Don't answer that," Francis says.

I put my gun to his head. "Let her answer."

"Extra smalls," she says.

"Extra smalls?" I start to get hard. "What dorm you live in?"

"Don't tell him."

"Francis, do you want to get shot in the head?"

"Crawford. I live in Crawford."

"Good. You two can go. Be good and don't do anything I wouldn't do, ok, Francis?"

Then this bitch says, "Don't you want to know the room number?"

"Why, do you want me to know it?"

Francis says, "Let's go."

"Do you want me to come and visit you at night? I can suck the blood off those extra smalls and stick my dick in your extra-small pussy. Francis, would that be ok with you?"

The girl says, "Just let us go."

"No I'd like to hear him say it. Would it be ok with you, Francis, if I snag your girlfriend's small-size fishnet cunt and drop a load in it?"

"Yes, it's fine, can we go now?"

You can tell by the look on fishnet's face that she's not happy.

Francis says, "What?"

"You'd let him drop a load in my pussy?"

"I wouldn't really let him drop a load in your pussy, I just want him to get the gun out of my face and let us go on with our evening."

"I'm gonna let you do that, Francis. But I want you to promise me one thing. When you're fucking this bitch, I want you to know that I'm there somewhere, over your shoulder maybe, waiting to take over when little miss fishnet here gets tired of your pencil dick. Ok. Go on. Go on! I'm trying to take a piss here! Get the fuck out of my face."

And, gun in hand, I unzip right there and take a piss in the hallway.

On the way back to the bar, this Poindexter-looking dude sees me and he sees the pile of piss. I give him this hard look and he just keeps going. "Thought so," I say.

It's just Tic Toc, sitting alone.

"Where is Macro?"

"Dancefloor," Sherman nods.

I look to the dancefloor. Indeed there is Macrobiotik, dancing with some average-looking girl.

"Is that the girl from his polisci?"


"That's the girl from his polisci."


"That's the reason we came out here?"


"Sherman. Tic Toc. What the fuck. We gotta get out of here."


"'Cause I flashed my piece."

Sherman turns. "What?"

I shrug.

"What happened?"

"There was this fishnet girl with this gentleman named Francis. Francis is, shall we say, a cake boy. Francis has no right being with this piece of hotness. And then there's me. I found out where she lives. She wears extra-small tampons, super protection."

"What does that have to do with you flashing your piece?"

"They were actin' up."

"Well we have to leave this bar."

"That's what I'm sayin'."

"Before the police get here."


"I'll get Macro."

So Sherman heads over to ye olde dancefloor and tugs on Macro's shirt. I see them arguing and Macro's girl looks unhappy so I figure it'll be a while. I turn to the bar to order a shot.

"Whatcha havin'?"

"I'll have the gunslinger's special." I laugh. "That's a special..for gunslingers---"

"There's no guns allowed in the bar."

"I know that, I was just saying---"

"What are you having? I don't have all night."

"A cup of Goldschläger."

"A cup?"


"You can have a shot." The bartender leaves.

I'm tapping my hands on the bar and Sherman and Macro and Macro's girl come up behind me.

"So let's get outta here."

"I'm having a drink."

"We're leaving because of you. Skip your drink."

"I already paid."

"No you didn't."

The bartender comes back. He tells me the price and I put it on my card.

"Can't you pay with cash so we can get out of here?"

"I never carry cash."

"What kind of policy is that? You never carry cash? Psychopath."

"Thank you," I say.

"Why do we have to leave?" Macro's girl says.

"Because I've been a bad bad boy."

"What did you do that's bad?"

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it," I say.

Macro puts his arm around the girl.

"Macro, what the fuck is this bitch's name?" I say.

Sherman says, "Drink your drink."

"I'll drink it..in a minute. I don't like to be around a bitch and not know the bitch's name. 'Specially if the bitch is the bitch of a friend of mine."

"I'm Kelly."

"Nice to meet you, Kelly."

And I do my shot. Then I sign my name on the credit card receipt with a scrawl that in no way resembles my signature.

"Let's go."

Outside, the four of us walk down State Street. There are many hunnies, bitches, and hoes, as well as a few vixens, some foxes, and an intolerable number of dykes walking hand in hand and flaunting everywhere that they had released themselves from their dangerous dependency on dick. When dykes pass I think of how tight their pussies must have become after such a long vacation from dick, or in some cases a complete lack of dickly intruders. To turn a dyke is the ultimate accomplishment for a straight guy. Or, let's just say it is one of the ultimate accomplishments, for their are many ultimate accomplishments.

"So, Kelly, when you suck Macro's dick does he precum a lot?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I'm concerned about my man here. He's showing a lack of progress, academically. All he wants from you is your polisci notes."

"Is that right?"

"That's right." I smile at Macro. "Now about this precum."

"Why are you always so interested in everybody's sex life?" Sherman asks.

"Because it's my specialty." Duh.

We walk a while, and I think the subject is dropped. But then Kelly says, "I haven't sucked his dick yet." And she looks at Macro.

I felt like a proud mother, hearing this "yet." Knowing Macrobiotik sperm would be lodging themselves between the teeth of this average-looking girl as she gulped down his cock. I mean, hey, if he wanted to date down with this mutt-looking girl Kelly, she better be sucking his cock. "She better be sucking his cock hard," I say.

And everybody looks at me for saying that.

"Me, I like a girl with a pretty face. Like that girl we met at the coffeehouse this morning. Wasn't she pretty, Sherman?"

"If you like mice."

"Mice? You think the looked mousy? She wasn't mousy, you just like a long face, Ticky Toc, where I like a round one. She had a round face, it wasn't mousy. If by mouse you mean she had a small pussy, then I bet you're right. I bet that girl's pussy is just as defiant as she was. She was like holding her fist up in the air in protest."

"She wasn't holding her fist up."

"But it was like she was holding her fist up. Like she was Che Guevara and I was the Cuban emperor."

"Uh, dude, Cuba doesn't have an emperor."

"Shut up, nigga."

"Can you not say the n word?" That was Kelly.

I stop walking. Then everybody else stops walking.

"What? I just don't like that word."

I look at Macro. Then I look at Kelly. I pull out my gun. "Why don't you shut the fuck up, bitch."


"Put your gun away man."

"Yeah, put it away."

"Macro, watch yourself."

"You're going to get us arrested."

"No one's going to get arrested. I've got a permit to carry this. Stop making a big deal."

"It is a big deal."


"What? Were you going to say something?"

"Yeah. Just. Stick to what you know, man."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you don't know shit about firearms. I had to take a weapons safety training course to get this permit. So I know shit about firearms."

"Just keep it away, man."

"Just watch your mouth, Macro, or I'll thump your girl."

"You ain't gonna thump shit."

"Macro, you're pissing me off. If I wanna thump your girl I'm'onna thump your girl. Now why don't you two get on with your date. Sherman and I are gonna find us some pussy."

So Macro and his dog bitch girl wandered off into the night, to have ugly sex between ugly people which everyone knows is shit.

And Sherman lectured me on the anti-merits of Holding a Gun When One Goes Out Selecting Pussy and the Pitfalls of Aiming a Gun at a Bitch When You Don't Intend to Shoot and the like. Sherman was getting very professorial, and I wondered when he was older if he would be like the ancient schoolmarms which traversed our school and taught our classes.

"You need to leave your piece at home."

"But how will I make bitches all scared like?"

"I don't know. But sooner or later, if you bring your gun out, someone's going to call the police."

And what do you know, he was right. The very next morning my roommate who was a stinky faggot woke me with a start. The stinky faggot informed me that the police were at the door and behold, as I looked up from my covers there were the old black and blues, peeking into our dorm room door.

My gun was on my desk chair, fully loaded. I threw a pair of boxers over it, very casual, and pushed the stinky faggot out of my way.

"Do you mind waiting outside, you stink," I said, and the stinky faggot complied.

As he pushed open the door I could see there were two of them, short cop and tall cop, and they were no doubt ready to play all sorts of games with little old me.

"Can I help you?"

They spoke my name. "Is that you?"

"Yes. What's this about?"

"May we come in?"

"Come right in, come right in brothers. Can I interest you in a cold brewski?"

"We're on duty. Have a few questions for you about last night."

"Last night eh? Can't say I know much about it."

"Can't say you know much about what?"

"About anything, really."

"Were you at Bruno's on State Street last night?"

"Indeed I was!"

"Do you own a weapon, sir?"

"I own a wee Glock."

"A Glock."

"A wee Glock."

"What makes it a wee Glock?"

"It's very small."

"Did you take your Glock with you to Bruno's?"

"My wee Glock? No I did not."

"Where do you keep your wee Glock?"

"I keep my wee Glock in a safe back in Burlington."

"In Burlington."


"Mind if we search your room?"

"Be my guest."

So they start rummaging through my closet and that of the stinky faggot. I make sure they know that one's not mine.

"What are you looking for?"

"Let us ask the questions."

"Oh. Duly noted, my good man."

"What was that?"

I enunciate. "Duly noted, my good man!"

"Do you think this is funny?"

"Am I laughing?"

"What were you doing at Bruno's?"

"Scoping out bitches."


"Me and my cronies were scoping the fly hunnies. Bitches. Sir."

"You know you'd get more pussy if you stopped calling women bitches, don't you?"

"I beg to disagree. Sir!"

"Did you point your gun at a Miss Angeline Brewster?"

"I've never met a Miss Angeline Brewster. Sir!"

"Did you point your gun at anyone?"

"My gun is in Burlington. Sir!"

"Do you know what the mandatory minimum sentencing is for felony assault with a firearm?"

"No sir!"

"And you weren't out pointing your firearm at any women last night?"

"I was simply looking for a little pussy, sir! I had started out earlier with my boy Tic Toc. His name is Sherman but I call him Tic Toc sir! We headed out of the crib and met up with Macrobiotik at Bruno's, sir!"

"What is macrobiotic?"

"Macrobiotik is my homeboy, sir!"

"Your homeboy's name is Macrobiotik?"

"Macro for short. Sir!"

"You can quit with the 'sir.' You could spend a lot of time in jail if this lady's accusations are true."

"I don't want to go to jail, sir! Sorry about the sir! I've heard people get ass fucked in jail, not-sir! I'd like to die an asshole virgin sir! I can't help it sir! I'm not ready to be fucked by a nigger in prison sir!"

"You have a bad attitude, son."

"I know, sir!"

"You're acting like somebody who has something to hide."

"My story is complete, sir! There was no harassment at Bruno's. Just a lot of bitches looking to get ass fucked by a carrot. Have you ever ass fucked a woman with a carrot sir!"

"Why don't you sit over there while we search your place."

So I sit at my desk, on top of the boxers covering my gun. And I feel that gun pressed into my ass and I think of what it must be like to have a Glock 9mm stuck up your ass by some psychopathic faggot who wanted revenge for all the times I've used the "f" word.

These cops were thorough, but they weren't searching under my butt. They worked their way through the room, opening drawers, looking on top of the closets, then they made me sit there while they went up and down the hall questioning my hallmates.

When they came back they asked me if I was sure my gun was in Burlington.

"Scout's honor."

"Are you even a Scout?"

"It's an expression. What? You think that just 'cause I said 'Scout's honor' without being a Scout that that makes me a liar on the point of my gun being in Burlington? My gun is in Burlington, rest assured. Just because my bitch-ass hallmates say otherwise doesn't MEAN SHIT!"

Then they ask me if I'm on any medication for psychiatric illnesses.

"No. Not that I know of."

"Are you aware of the university health service?"

"They treat scabies and STDs, right? I don't have any STDs. I fuck clean bitches."

"And what do you mean when you say 'fuck bitches?' "

"You're kidding, right? I stick my pee pee in they cooch. What the fuck you think I mean?"

"Do you ever get rough with a bitch?"

"Why would I get rough with a bitch? Maybe I slap 'em in they mouth when they act up. I mean I might do that from time to time."

"You know that's assault, right?"

"I'm not admitting to anything."

"You need to treat bitches right, ok? When you get a bitch to suck your dick, that ain't no license to fuck her, and when a bitch lets you fuck her, that ain't no license to hit on a bitch."

"Now wait a minute, who ever said I be roughin' up on bitches? Did they say that?" I point to the hall.

"We've had reports. Bitches be callin' us and lettin' us know what you've been up to, bro! When you stick yo' dick in a bitch, and she don't want you to, sometimes bitches be callin' us the next day and gettin' they insides swiped. We find you spunk inside a bitch that didn't want to be fucked, you could go to jail. Bitches' insides be they own. You can't fuck a bitch ain't got no permission."


"Now, did you take your piece to Bruno's last night or not?"

"Nah, man."

"You didn't pull your piece out on some bitch named Angeline?"

"Nah, man. But that bitch was actin' up."

"What did she do?"

"She was lookin' all fly and shit. She was wearin' tighty fishnets and I could see her maxi pad between her legs and shit. It was stickin' out. I was thinkin' about that bitch's pussy and shit. Bettin' she had a fly pussy. Wanted to do a finger test with ye olde pinky, if you catch."

The officers were coming closer, and I squirmed me butt around the Glock, trying to conceal that I wasn't sitting on flatness.

"What's a finger test?" the one officer asks.

"When you get a bitch captive," I say, "you want to perform Ye Olde Finger Test. This is where you finger a bitch progressively with one finger, two fingers, three fingers, four. Start with your pinky. Ideally you want a bitch who passes the one-finger test, meaning that when you stick yo' pinky up that bitch's cooch that bitch is tight as hell."

"What happens if she fails the test?"

"You move on, my brotha, you move on."

"Well, we're going to be keeping an eye on you. If it turns out you're hiding your Glock on campus there will be serious consequences."

"Good, my brotha, right with you." I give them the old thumbs up.

"And take it easy on the bitches. I know you like to fuck but bitches be havin' feelings. It's important that everyone be treated with respect."


"No. Respect."


"That's right." The officer gives me the thumbs up.

"And you boys take it easy on the road. You never know with these university brothas, when someone might go ballistic on ya, jump out guns blaring, like maybe if he had a personal grudge or something. So anyway take care, I doubt we'll be seeing much of each other after today."

Then those black and blues took their smug faces and they left me be. And I stood up from sitting on my Glock, and straightened out my ass cheeks.


I knew I needed to hide my Glock, so I headed straight away to the bank. I knew from past experience that banks be keepin' safes, and therein lie boxes for the rental. I just needed something yay big, for storage of me ole piece.

I strolled down State Street to the First National and I placed my piece on the counter in front of this fly little bitch with a bob haircut.

"I need to get a safety deposit box."

"You need to speak to a customer service representative."

"Well isn't you a customer service representative?"

"I'm a teller."

"Well where can I find me one of these 'customer service representatives?'"

"Have a seat. Over there? And take your piece with you."

"I be takin' a piece of you with me, sweet hunny. I be ringin' bells like a clock tower. How's about you give me your number."

She said "I don't think so," but she be blushin'.

So I sat down to wait in the area and while I was there I was makin' eyes with the fly bob-haircut hunny, and between customers she be lookin' over at me and I strut my legs out so she can see my package. I lay the Glock right next to it, to indicate its size like. And that bitch be gettin' wet in her coochie area, you could tell by the way a bitch stand! She be rockin' back and forth on her excellent legs and I be imagining me dick ticklin' her pussy and general pussy area. Then we fuck like rabbits and she have my babies. I could see her bob haircut on a slob of boys and girls that would come out that bitch's pussy once we fucked. I didn't like the thought of her pussy getting distended from havin' such a majority of kids, but I liked the thought of my seed inside her.



"Sir, come this way."

"Why? Why you want me to come this way?"

"You wanted to rent a safe deposit box?"

"Ah yes. Me does. Me wants to rent a boxy for me Glocky piece." I flash the piece.

The customer service representative is looking at me Glock.

"Is me not allowed to have Glocks inside a bank?"

"We don't care what you put in your box, sir, as long as it's not illegal."

"Well me Glock is fully legal, believe that. Fully legal. Got me papers and everything."

"Then why don't you come this way and we can get you set up."

"Whatevers you say, miss. As long as it's legal."

I smile at the bitch but she has her back turned to me, so I follow that bitch to her desk.

"How long has you worked here?"

"About eight months."

"Does you like it here?"

"Mmm hmm," she says. Me likes bitches who say "Mmm hmm."

"And. Why does you like it here?" I open my mouth a bit..I "part my lips." Then I flick my tongue a little. Bitches like that.

She doesn't understand. She's looking at me mouth. She says, "What are you doing?"

"I is flickin' my tongue at you. See?" I do it again.

"Oh," she says, then she goes to typin' on her computer.

She has me fill out a bunch of forms. General disclaimers, some affidavits, a couple of noncompetes. Stuff to make sure I isn't tryin' to knock over the bank with the contents of my box.

Eventually I ask her, "Is that bitch at the front desk single?"


"Constance, I think her name tag said. The teller. You is a customer services representative and she is a teller, right?"


"So tell me, Renee, is that bitch single?"


"Yeah. The one with the bob."

"I have no idea."

"Well you should find out. It's good to know your coworkers."

Renee is kind of at a loss for words. (I do that to people.)

"Renee, let me ask you something."


"If I was to bang your sweet pussy with a spiked dildo, bang it in there like I was workin' on the railroad..and if that plastic dick was filled with little nubbins that rubbed on your pussy all nice like..and let's say that dildo was powered by a car battery, jumper cables and shit, none of this double A shit..and lets say I had lubricated that pink neon dildo with none other than me very own cum..now I'm asking you..would you consider that the act of a gentleman?"

I sit back in me chair and cross me hands behind me head. Let her chew on that one.

I see her thinking.

I smile, knowing that I've stumped her. A society bitch like this would never know what to say to me. This the type of bitch wears full briefs, instead of bikini ones.

She opens her mouth, about to say something, then she closes it.

I be winnin' this bout.

But then she just opens her mouth and says, "Let's show you your box." And I know I'm dealin' with a quality bitch.

She shows me my box and it's the perfect size for me Glock. We each have a key in this nice arrangement like. When me and the customer service representative put our keys in to turn them, we get real close and I can feel the heat coming off her. She wears this nice woman perfume, I think Clinique Happy---'cause I used to fuck this bitch who wore Clinique Happy. And I can see down this customer service representative's shirt, and see that she wears a bra by Playtex or Kotex or something. It has this cross-my-heart design and it makes me think of my grandmother but in a way that makes me want to lay this Renee down on the floor of the safe and make sweet love right there next to millions of dollars.

"Take your key."

"What, Renee?"

"Take your key."

"Renee, tell me, would you ever consider a threesome between you me and Constance? Do you like girls?"

"I think that's about all I have to show you. You can access your box anytime the bank is open. Our hours are listed in the information card I gave you."

"That's all excellent, Renee. But I'm a feeler, not a thinker. I like to get below the surface. For instance into a sweet pair of panties."

"If you'll follow me, I think we're done for today!"

I could tell Renee was getting all hot and bothered by my sex talk, so instead of letting her cool down I decided to turn up the heat.

"Why don't you let me take you into your break room and I'll hand fuck you. I'd like to get to know your clit with my thumb and show you how deep my fingers can go. Did you ever get hand fucked in your break room? Then I be spittin' on your pussy and gettin' you warmed up for some thick neck action. You want turkey neck? I got turkey neck all lined up and in parallel for these bitches. Have you and Constance both cummin' at the same time, propped up on the table, legs like whaaa!"

When Renee sat back at her desk I could see she was ready to cry. So I took a tissue out of her box and offered it.

"Clean your face, bitch."

She wipes her face and her mascara is fading, all sexy like. She puts the tissue in her trash.

"Is there anything else we can help you with today?"

I look around. "Nah, like. Sorry for the hassle. Bitch," I add. "We'll be seein' you soon. Tell Constance if she doesn't give it up I'll open it up with a pry bar. Bitches ain't got nothin' on me."

And then I left. But I couldn't help going up to Constance and asking her a few questions. I wished I had my notebook but I would just have to do this with the ole mentality.

"So Constance. I couldn't help but notice you're about a B cup. I was wonderin', do you like those titties pinched, slapped, or spanked?"


"If I was to pinch you, slap you, or spank you, which would you like best?"

"Can I help you with something?"

"You are helping me. I've got a bit of a thicky if you know what I'm saying."

"Can I help you with some bank business?"

"Yes. Is you a notary?"

"A notary?"

"A notary public, eh. 'Cause I've always wanted to do it with a notary."

"I'm not a notary. I can help you find a notary."

"Maybe you could let me put my dick inside your panties from the side all sly like, and you could just push 'em over to the side and let me taste your pussy juice with my cock, while I hold you by that little bob of hair. I could show you how to swallow a cock while you've got a pair of hands around your fucking neck, bitch. Then your head be bouncin' up and down on my thickness and I be pullin' your hair, bitch. I know you got that haircut for me, right? 'Cause you knew I was comin'? Whatsa matter, you don't like your hair pulled? I train a bitch to like that shit. A bitch gets with me, she don't know what she like. By the time I'm done with her, bitch a freak. Cuttin' off chunks of her hair with cum in 'em, be eating the cum and hair and everything. Head look like a rag doll. Eatin' her own vomit and shit. That the kind of bitch you are? Bitch that want to be taught? 'Cause I can be your daddy, just say the word."


After that I strolled the lane, looking this way and that, taking in the sight of all the glorious pussy around me.

State street was lined with girls who were strutting their stuff, dressed as whores to show off delicious legs and scrumptious asses. I felt lighter without my gun, and I strutted my stuff, too, pimp walking in a gait designed to attract ladies like a moth to a flame.

Bitches were prominent. They took up all the attention on State Street, outshining their gents so as to be displayed like prime cuts of meat. Bitches wore hunny shorts, cut to the ass. You could see their butt cheeks. And low-cut tops, so low in fact that their breasteses were dangling outside of their shirts. I saw freshman girls in yoga pants, their labia showing, inviting all to imagine what it would be like to fuck their tiny coochies.

You tell me this, when a girl wears pants that show her labia, what is she saying? She is saying she wants to get fucked, am I right? It's all I can do but walk up to her and run my fingers through her crack, send all sorts of sensations running between her pussy lips. Next they will have clear pants that show the labia, all plush and soft, inviting every gentleman on the street to know her.

I passed the intersection of State and Union, and all this pussy was overloading my senses, so I took a detour down Union and then onto the quickest side street that would take me away from the onslaught of pussy. It wasn't really the way home but I wasn't relishing an afternoon spent with the stinky faggot so I decided to take the scenic route.

There was still pussy here, in the form of two young vixens wearing booty shorts that said "JUICY" across they butts. Now that's something I could get into, a nice juicy asshole. Or maybe the JUICY was meant to refer to they cooch, to they general ass. I consider the coochi part of the ass---does you?

As I approached these two ladies I could hear they conversation. They were talking about guys' dicks.

"I don't care about girth," this one girl says. "I want a dick so long he can fuck me from the next room."


"Nah," this other girl says, "I like a nice thick dick. I want it to feel like he's sticking his hand inside me."

"Why choose? When you can have both!" I say, and I walk up beside them.

I grab my package, squeeze it, pull it up a little.

"I got girth and length, ladies. So why don't we stop up at this Taco Bell parking lot and let me run you through the paces."

"With you? Forget it."

"Get lost, dude."

"Oh, is that how it is?"

"Yeah, that's how it is."

"You're gonna diss me like that?"

"Keep walking, asshole!"

"Now why is it that when a guy says something nice to a pair of ladies such as yourselves that he is immediately an asshole?"

"Talking about your dick isn't a nice thing to say."

"Would you rather me talk about your genitals?"


"Well that sounds to me like a double standard. If a guy talks about a guy's genitals, he is gross. If a girl talks about a guy's genitals, as you two were, it's acceptable conversation."

The girls look at each other.

"Now, if you'll allow me, I'd like to introduce myself."

"Well don't expect us to tell you our names."

"Don't expect me to tell you mine, either," I say, and I unzip my shorts and whip my dick out.


I've got the chicken head in my hand, and I'm pointing it at my ladies, one, then the other.

"See? Like I said. Girth and length."

"Get the fuck away!"

"You ladies want to touch it?"


"Put it away!"

"Put your dick away!"

"But why would I put it away, when I is airin' it out?"

"Oh god."

"Leave us alone, dude. We don't want to see your dick!"

"Some things in life we don't get to choose," I say. "Now who wants to give it a lick?"


"Guaranteed to taste like raspberries! Why don't you lay down over there, and we will see how juicy you really is."

"Come on, Megan," the one says, and she grabs her friend's hand, and pulls her quickly ahead, away from me.

I stand there for a moment, and this guy is walking down the other side of the street. He looks over and sees my dick.

"What are you looking at?"

I zip up.

I yell, "Bye, Megan!" and I continue down the street. I take corners at random, marvelling at the beauty of the day, imagining my dick planted firmly between Megan's labia, suckers gripping me like a pair of pliers. I like a girl with big labia.

Well soon enough I come to this house which has a sign out front. It says, "DOG FOR SALE" and I think to meself, wouldn't it be nice if me has a dog? I knock on the door.


"I'm here about your sign. The one for the dog?"

"I'm just about to bring him out. Hold up here, ok?"

I sit on the porch. In time, my man brings out his dog, which looks like a hound dog, a setter or something---the type of dog you use for hunting.

And the first thing I notice about this dog is he has an enormous cock. It's laid up against his belly and it's contracted and everything, but you can tell, this dog is hung. Big boy. I like him already.

"This dog have any kids?"

"Not that I know of."

"But he likes the bitches, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"The dog's not gay, right?"

"No, as far as I know he likes bitches."

"How much are you selling this dog for?"

"Three hundred."

"Seems a little high."

"I have all his paperwork, he's had shots, we only feed him Premium Purina Chow."

"Why, is that good stuff?"

"The best."

"He's not a vegetarian, is he? 'Cause I couldn't be havin' no dog that's a vegetarian."

"He eats meat."

"Does he eat yogurt?"

"I don't know. We could maybe go two-fifty."

"Hold back with the business, my man. Let me get to know you. You a University graduate?"

"Yeah. You go here now?"

"Yeah, my man. I goes to this shithole of a school. So is you married? Or is you a cake boy, eating fudge off the tip of your weinus after you's sticks it in the anus of your hubby hubby like?"

"You want to meet my girlfriend?"

"No, I don't needs to meet your girlfriend, unless you have some idea of the three of us gettin' freaky in the bedroom. I don't care what you and your wife do behind closed doors. Even if you fuck her in the ass then fuck her in the mouth right afterward. That's your business. I'm just interested in the dog."

"Yeah, so we've had this dog two years. He's fully grown. He gets kind of aggressive sometimes but usually a good walk cures that. He's yours for two-fifty if he's going to a good home. Where do you live? Do you live in the dorms?"

"Yeah, but we's about to remedy that."

"He needs to be walked twice a day."

"I be walkin' him twice a day, no doubt."

"He needs a good space to run."

"He be runnin' on the green, with me. Settle yourself about that, my man. I be needin' to ask you a few questions."


"So you say he has his papers?"


"So when you fuck your girlfriend, do you leave bruises? You were serious about having a girlfriend, weren't you?"


"No, I don't need to meet your bitch. Best you keep that ho to yourself. I'm an off-the-chain motherfucker when it be comin' to bitches, I be showin' 'em my dick and shit, so unless you want me poppin' it out to show your wife---"


"Unless ye want me poppin' it out to tempt that bitch, you best be keepin' that bitch inside that house. All I needs to know from you, my friend, is do you leave bruises on that bitch when you fuck? I'm askin' as a young man to an older one. Because when I fuck I like to leave a bitch black and blue, you know what I'm sayin'? And I is wonderin', from a place of inexperience to a place of more experience, is that shit normal?"

"How old are you?"

"I is twenty-two."

"You a senior?"

"Yes I is."

"How many girlfriends have you had?"

"I has lost count."

"And you want to know if it's right to leave a girl black and blue after you fuck her?"

"That's right sir."

"How many girls have you left black and blue?"

"More than one, sir."

"Well I would say that's between you and her, you know? I mean if she likes to be hit, there's nothing wrong with you leaving a few marks..but only if it's decided upon beforehand, and you have limits, like a safe word. Do you know what a safe word is?"

"That's when you be beatin' a bitch and she has a special word she can tell in your ear so that maybe you stop beatin' the shit out of her, right?"

"Sort of."

"Well is you gonna sell me your dog?"

"If you want him."

"Does he have a name?"


"Well we's gonna have to change that."

"You're welcome to name him whatever you want. He comes to Seymour."

"I was thinkin' more like Mega Dog."

"That works. So how does two-fifty sound?"

"I don't think me be payin' more than two hundred for a dog named Seymour."

"But you can change it."

"Two hundred is all me have in me pocket."

"Can't you go get more?"

"Then I might be losin' interest and never come back to this house."

"Ok. Two hundred."

So we shake hands and I give him cash and I take that dog Seymour off his hands.


I decide right then and there I'm gonna rename him. No dog of mine is gonna have a gay-ass name like Seymour. Seymour is a name for fags.

I'm thinking of names as I go back to the green. Mega Dog is a definite possibility. Baxter, or something like that. This dog is a killer.

I come up on the green and see there is a bunch of students gathering at the fountain. So I walk my dog up to show him off.

First there is little interest, and then, what do I see?

Little Miss Defiance, sitting on the edge of the fountain with a textbook.

I walk my dog right up.

"Well, if it ain't Little Miss Defiance."

She doesn't look up.

"Hey there, Little Miss D. I'm talkin' to you."

She looks up. "Oh, you."

"Well, doesn't you like me dog?"

She looks back at her book.

"So, Little Miss D. Here's how this works. When I talk to you, you's looks at me and talks back."

"Why would I want to talk to you?"

"'Cause me's a charmin' motherfucker."

"I'm trying to read here. Can't you see that?"

"Well I's tryin' to walk me dog, can't you see that?"



"You don't make any sense."

"I makes exactly as much sense as you wants me to, if you catch me meaning."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means if you open your ears, you hear."

"I've got homework to do. Don't you have any homework? Or do you even go here?"

"Oh, me's goes here."

"I doubt that."

"Ye can doubt anything thee like, Little Miss. It doesn't make it so."

"Anyway, I have to read this for tomorrow, so."

"Well I wouldn't want to keep you from your studies. But me dog would like it if you would acknowledge him."

Little Miss D. gives me this hard look, like she been played every which way from Sunday by every player imaginable, and I is the last in a long line of players she about to take lip from.

"What's her name?"

"It's a he. See? His dick."

"What's his name then?" She's shaking her head.

"Still lookin' for a name."

"That's shameful."

"Want to find the perfect one, see?"

"Your dog doesn't even have a name? What kind of pet owner are you?"

"I is the kind of pet owner who would rather wait a few weeks to find the perfect name than to jump into a name prematurely. That's the kind of pet owner I is."

She pets me dog. And he takes to her. He licks her hand.

"See, Seymour, she's nice."

"I thought he didn't have a name."

"Seymour is his temporary faggot name."

"You know when you talk like that you just turn off every girl in a ten-mile radius."

"Me doesn't even have a protractor..how could me measure a ten-mile radius?"

"It's not attractive."

"If you say so."

"And when you disturb my study group that doesn't ingratiate you to me. People are drinking their coffee. Trying to study. And you come through with your loud-ass stories about bitches you like to fuck. It's disgusting."

"But you wasn't drinkin' coffees. You was drinkin' pumpkin spice lattes."

"Lattes are coffee, retard."

"You know I hear in some circles retard ain't such a cool word to say anymore. In that it stigmatizes the retards."

"Am I done meeting your dog now?"

"If you decides you is done, then I guess you is done."

"Well. Bye dog!" She gives a little wave. She is wearing short shorts and a t-shirt so tight it shows her B-cup titties. I imagine meself tweaking her nips, twisting 'em, getting 'em hard.

"Do you mind if me's asks you a personal question?"

"Only if you stop talking in that ridiculous accent."

"I can talks anyway you like."

"Well. Talk normal."

"Ok. And can I point out that that isn't an accent. It's a dialect."

"Good for you."

"Now can I ask my personal question?"

"If you must."

"Do you want to accompany me and my nameless dog on a walk across the green?"

"I have a boyfriend."

"That's not what I asked you."

"I have to study..see this book?"

"Surely you have time for a walk. Just..across the green and back. You'd be back in twenty minutes."

"I don't think so."

"See how much Seymour likes you? He'll be lonely if you don't come."

"He'll have you."

"But me's not very good company."

"I agree."

"Take a walk with me."


"I insist."

"You insist? I don't give a good goddamn if you insist! I've got to do my reading."

"You can read as we walk."

"No. I can't. I like to be stationary when I read."

"You is a fascinating girl. What's your name?"

"Stop talking like that!"

"Alright! What, is, your, name?"

"I ain't tellin' you."

"Look! You be doin' it too!"


"'Ain't.' You be talkin' just like me."

"Well let's both stop."

"I be stoppin' if you will."

"Then. Yes. Go. Stop."

"What's your name?"

"I'm supposed to tell you my name when your dog doesn't even have a name? Let's all just proceed..without names."

"So we's be proceedin' then."

"If you don't stop talking like that I'm going to stop talking to you."

"Whatever you say, Little Miss D."

"Don't call me Little Miss."

"Well what should I call you?"

"Just call me 'hey you' for now."

"Well, Hey You, would you like to take a walk with me and my dog?"


"What can I do to make you say yes?"


"What if I offer you to walk the dog?"

"I ain't walkin' no dog without a name."

"Ah ah ah! A deal's a deal."

"I'm not walking a dog without a name."

"Let's name him, then."

"You're a punk, you know that? I came out here to have a quiet place to read. I've got to finish this for class tomorrow. Now you come along and everything falls to shit."

"What do you think about William as a name?"

"For your dog?"

"No, for our firstborn. What do you think I mean?"

She considers Seymour. "No. He doesn't look like a William."

"Well what do you think about giving him a girl's name? I think this dog might be gay."

"There you go, ruining it again."

"Ruining what?"

"We were making progress. I don't believe I'm saying this about you, but we were. Then you go and say a thing like that."

"What, that my home is open and affirming to gay dogs?"

"Forget it."


"Don't worry about it."

"Worry about what?"

"Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Too busy for a walk on a beautiful day?"

"Go away!" She closes her book when she says it.

People are looking at us.

I bend to Seymour. "Hey, buddy. Our Little Miss D. is not amused. I need your help, buddy. Show her your good side, show her there's nothing wrong with the Big Bad Wolf." I grab his paw and reach it upwards. "He wants to shake with you."

She won't look. She's got her book pressed against her chest and she's staring sideways.

"He wants to shake with you."

She makes no motion.

"Hello, beautiful girl, my name is Seymour, and I want to take a walk with you." I shake his paw.

The girl looks down.

"If I take this walk with you, will you leave me alone?"

"Most definitely."

"We're going to the edge of the green and back."


"You won't say anything stupid."

"I will try my best."

"You won't talk like a gangster."

I do the Scouts' Honor pose. "I will not talk like a gangster."

"I don't believe I'm doing this."

"Yes! Success!" I raise my arms in the air and it frightens Seymour.

"You will not touch me at any point during this walk."


"You will not touch me at the conclusion of this walk."

"Not a bit."

"You will not ask personal questions."

"I will try not to ask personal questions."

"You will not ask personal questions."

"I will not ask a single personal question. I will restrict my talk to the weather, the general environment, any people we see, fly hunnies---"

"No fly hunnies."


"I would hate to see what you think is fly anyway."

"Well, you. I think you is fly."

"Watch it."

"Seymour, we're going to on a walk!"

"I hope you understand that this walk in no way indicates that I like you or am at all attracted to you. We are not sleeping together. There will not be a second walk. This is purely to get you off my back so I can do my homework."

"Feisty. I like that."

"Stop it. I mean it. At any time if I feel like I'm not having fun I will turn around and leave you and your dog wherever we are."

"So many rules. Is this how you live the rest of your life?"

"No, these are special rules for you. Dammit. You probably loved hearing that, didn't you?"

"I did."

"You have a sickness..that I..can't quite put my finger on. What's your name? If I'm gonna walk with you I need to know your name. I don't need to know it. But I would like to know it, for the purposes of this dubious walk."

"You're a very wordy girl."

"I bet you have a thing for wordy girls, right?"

"Not particularly."

"Oh that's nice. You like dumb-ass whores?"

"I think if I answer that question honestly you will not like me."

"Smart move. What's your name?"

"You go first. What's your name?"

"Laely. And I don't believe I'm doing this."


"So..Laely. What brings you to this town?"

"Uh..I go to school here."

"But why this school, if you catch my meaning?"

"Are you asking that 'cause this is a party school?"

"Well you must like to party if you came here."

"Maybe it's all I can afford."

"So you is from within the state then?"

"I'm from Melville."

"Melville. I has been there many times."

"No gangster talk, or I'm out."

"I have been to your lovely town of Melville many times."

"Did you like it?"

"I liked what I saw."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means the parts that I saw..I liked."


"Are you mad at me?"

"I hardly know you, how could I be mad at you? Do you want me to be mad at you?"

I looked at this girl, seeing her bra through her shirt and imagining those B cups in my face with her sitting on top of me, my dick upright between her pretty legs sticking into her righteous cunt---for I was becoming surer by the minute that this bitch had a righteous cunt---and I thought of us making love, wild puppy love, yipping and yapping our pleasure at each other like dogs.

To this fine bitch I said, "No. I do not want you to be mad at me."

She said, "Because I thought you might think that if I was mad at you, that would mean we were closer."

"I suppose it would mean that."

"But you didn't want that?"

"No. I doesn't want you to be mad at me, Little Miss D."

"Call me by my name."

"Ok, Laely, I calls you by your name."

"Talk straight."

"You have so many demands, seeing how you just met me," I say.

"I bet you like that," she says.

"I likes spending time with you, it doesn't matter if you make demands or not."

"But I bet you're getting off on the fact that I make so many demands on you---aren't you?"

"I ain't getting off on anything, Little Miss L."

"It's just Laely!"

"Fine. Laely. But I prefer to call you Little Miss L."

"I prefer you don't. It's misogynistic."

"No it ain't, Laely. It's affectionate."

"That's just as bad. I don't want you to be affectionate towards me. So stop imagining that we get together..'cause we don't. After this walk you go on with your pathetic life and I go on with mine."

"Is you sayin' that your life is pathetic too?"

"It's pretty pathetic."

"I can't imagine your life being pathetic."

"How do you imagine it?"

"Like an angel."

"Don't bullshit me."

"Well not exactly like an angel, but me's imagines that you have the world pretty much at your fingertips, guys wantin' to be with you and all, and you's havin' your pick of the lot of them..be datin' at your whim, I imagine..not givin' a fuck about nobody..gettin' buck wild with your girlfriends dancin' around in your underwear---!"

"Stop. I don't dance buck wild in my underwear. I don't date---I don't have time for it. I'm a full-time student---"

"I's a full-time student too."

"Do you date?"

"I do my thing."

"That just means you fuck random girls."

"I don't fuck random girls. I likes to get to know someone before I fuck them."

"Yeah right."

"Why do you think I don't have feelings, too? You have feelings, right? Right?"


"Then why do you think that I don't have them? I be catchin' feelin's before I fuck a ho."

"Very nice."

"What? Isn't you a ho? Don't you be givin' it up?"

"None of your business."

"Oh. So you isn't a ho. You like to be givin' it to one guy, special like."

"I lied before. I don't have a boyfriend."

"Why did you lie to me?"

"Because. I wanted you to leave me alone."

"You lied to me?"

"Don't act surprised."

"So you doesn't even have a boyfriend?"

"I had one in high school. I don't have time for one now. I'm in the honors dorm. All honors classes. I'm here to learn, not to have sex."

"But you likes sex, right..you ain't no..lesbian?"

"Frankly, it's none of your business."

"So it's frankly now, is it. You like to keep me at a distance with 'frankly.'"

"I don't like to keep you anywhere. You're just another guy who wants to get in a girl's pants and is willing to do anything to accomplish your goal, including bringing her a cute dog."

"You think me's bought this dog just to impress you?"


"You think me's doesn't even love this dog?"

"How do I know. It's probably not even your dog."

"You's thinks this dog is a rental."

"I wouldn't be surprised."

And with every time she disbelieved me, I fell deeper and deeper in love. I needed a girl to deny me, to disbelieve me, to hold me at bay. It was good for me. This bitch wasn't buyin' a word of what I said, and somewhere deep down, it did me good.

"I think you is a hard nut to crack," I said.

"Well don't try to crack me."

"Why not? That's what a nut is for, isn't it?"

"I'm not a nut."

"You is like a walnut, all wrinkly and hard on the outside but all smooth and soft on the inside."

"Ew! Gross! Do you realize you just compared me to a walnut? That's like page one in the Handbook of How Not to Impress Girls."

"They has a handbook on how nots to impress girls?"

"Don't act stupid."

"Has you ever eaten a walnut?"


"Isn't they good?"

"They're alright."

"Well that's you."

"You're saying I'm just alright?"

"I don't know yet 'cause I hasn't tasted the meat."

"Do these complex analogies work with other girls?"

"I don't use analogies with other girls. Just you."

"And I'm supposed to be blessed for this? Look, let's walk back. This has been an interesting..experiment..but I'm ready to continue with my reading and I'm sure you and Seymour have better things to do."

"Seymour prefers to stay here with you."

"Does he."

I kneel beside Seymour and pet him, rub his ears.

Laely kneels too. She pets his face. "Listen, my man. You and I are on two different targets..tracks. We exist in different worlds. You like to harass women and make a nuisance of yourself. I like to spend quiet evenings studying and readying myself for a career. We don't exist together. When I said I had a boyfriend, earlier, that was true: my studies are my boyfriend. We go to bed together, wake up together, spend all day together. We're everything to each other. And there just isn't room in that kind of lifestyle for me to be cavorting with..no offense..but the likes of you. You disgust me. I hate the way you talk. The only thing good about you is your dog, and somehow I doubt that he's going to be around long. You don't exactly strike me as a pet owner, if you know what I'm saying."

"No, I don't know what you is saying."

"I just don't see you taking care of a dog."

"You don't think I can take care of a dog."


"Has you ever had a dog?"


"Then that's the pot calling the kettle black. I has had a dog and you hasn't---"

"That's not the pot calling the kettle black."

"If I says I have had a dog and you says you haven't---"

"I think you're mistaking that for another expression."

"I is not mistaken."

"Yes. You is."

"Well I guess we're at an impasse."

"I guess so, maestro."

"Why is you callin' me maestro all of a sudden?"

"Forget I said anything."

"No I can't forget. You is callin' me maestro. What does you mean?"

"Forget it. The walk..is over."

"You said you would walk me to the edge of the green and back."

"Well. I changed my mind."

"You is an Indian giver."

"That's racist."


"Nice meeting you. Bye Seymour. Have a nice life being a menace."

"At least walk me back---let me walk you to the fountain! I'll walk you back and you can continue your reading, and you'll never see me again."

"Is that a promise?"

"Of course it's a promise. I promise you after we get to the fountain you will never see me again."


"Unless you see me by accident around campus."

"Somehow I think that's increasingly likely."

"If I sees you in the future I brings me dog up to you for a quick pet and then me leaves you alone."

"I have to finish my reading."

"Me knows that! Trust me, me is more than respectful of your reading time. Me's needs me's reading time as well."

"Oh yeah? What do you read?"

"Me's reads the internet."

"Porn doesn't count as reading."

"It doesn't? Sometimes bitches be holdin' signs in fine print above they heads as they be gettin' fucked from behind, and me's has to read the fine print before me's can get off."

"Have you ever been laid in your whole life?"

"I's been laid a few times."

"Not counting internet girlfriends, how many times have you been laid?"

"You is askin' into me very private life."

"Aren't you trying to get down my pants? As someone you're trying to fuck, I would like to know. How many girls have you been with?"

"Is you sayin' there is a chance of you and me's gettin' together?"

"No. I am not saying that. I just want to know how diseased you are."

"I is disease free."

"How do you know?"

"Because I's only fuck disease-free hoes."

"Ok. Thanks. We're done. It's been amusing. I think you'll agree we're sufficiently near the fountain that this walk is over. So it's been very nice being assaulted by your constant stream of negativisms against women. Have a nice life. Seymour: good luck. Please feed your dog."

Then she flips me off. She opens her textbook with one hand and puts up a middle finger with the other. It's not even aimed at me, it's just in my general direction.


Well I couldn't just stand there all day talking to my new friend. I yelled, "Later bitch!" and took Seymour down the hill.

Little Miss D. continued in my mind after I had left her. Her hair, her face..all suggested a fine pussy. I needed to know what was underneath those shorts, to see that puss and see if it was fine or not. Hopefully she wouldn't surprise me with an unshaved puss or too much roast beef. Bitches need to tuck that shit in. I shivered. She might be unshaved.

Considering the horrors of Little Miss D. with an unshaved pussy, I also thought about her other qualities. A certain wry intelligence, if I did say so myself. And I had called it initially: Defiance. This wasn't one to take it from anybody, and that made me want to give it to her all the more.

Little Miss D., with her legs spread, pussy out. I would shave that motherfucker if I had to. Freshly-shaved pussy, stick my dick in, have my way. Fuck her from the inside out. Be ringin' that bitch's bells. Have her beggin' for more.

You never know when a young bitch like that may not have enough sense to shave her own pussy. You would think any bitch above the age of twelve would have sense enough to shave her own pussy. But you never know with certain bitches. Some of them ain't got no sense.

Seymour and I came to the dorm. We're standing outside my door. Seymour barks.

The door opens. It's the stinky faggot.


"Hey buddy! Who's this?"

"This is Seymour. I'm probably going to rename him---I mean I am going to rename him I just don't know what to rename him yet."

"Who's is he?"

"Well, buddy, he's ours!"

I go into the room, let Seymour's leash go. He jumps all over the stinky faggot.

"Whoah boy! He's beautiful. He's a beautiful dog."

"I thought you would think that. We're going to make a beautiful home here, you me and him."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean nothing. He can sleep with me. He's dynamite with the bitches..not that you'd care about that."

"We can't have a dog."

"And yet..we do!"

"Where did you get him?"

"Some guy. Used to go to school here. Got him for two-hundred bucks!"

"That's a good price for a dog. What kind is he?"

"He's a hunting dog. Look at 'im. Killer."

"Were you walking him on the green?"

I nod. "Bitches loooove this dog, roomie! You should see this bitch I met. Fine. B-class titties. Fly-ass pussy."

"How do you know anything about her pussy?"

"From my facial reconstructive analysis. You can tell everything you need to know about a bitch's pussy---"

"From her face. Right. You know that's a load of bullshit, right?"

"It ain't a load of bullshit. A bitch's pussy and a bitch's face bear a unique resemblance consisting of several different feature availability sets."

"What the fuck is a feature availability set?"

"Well I can't expect you to know."

"Why not?"

"'Cause you is a fag."

"I don't know how you got it in your mind that I'm a fag, but I'm not a fag, not that there's anything wrong with that."

"That is exactly the kind of thing a fag would say."


"I know it's 'whatever.' 'Cause you is a fag."

"Let's talk about the dog."

"Why, 'cause you is thinkin' that he be gay too?"

"No, because I be thinkin' that we can't keep a dog in a dorm room."

"Of course we is gonna keep 'im. You want me to leave 'im by a garbage bin?"

"Why don't you take him back where you got him?"

"And put my tail between my legs? That is just the kind of thing a fag would suggest."

"I'm just suggesting..this isn't the best home for a dog."

"His name is Seymour and I would appreciate it if you refer to him by his name."

"Seymour would be better off where he came from."

"How do you know? He may have had a horrible home."

"Well, it doesn't matter, 'cause we're not allowed to keep dogs on campus, so you have to get rid of him."

"Me didn't realize fags were so opposed to animals."

"Why do you need me to be gay? Why does that make you more comfortable?"

"Ew! I doesn't need you to be gay. You just happens to be the most gayest dog-hating roomie that I has ever had!"

"Were you abused as a child, is that why---"

"No I wasn't abused! Why? Is you thinkin' about abusin' me, you big stinky faggot?"

"I'm just asking---"

"The answer is no. I was never abused. And I'm thinkin' about gettin' reassigned to a non-stinky, non-faggot roommate selection, if you catch me meaning. Now are you going to help me take care of Seymour or not?"

"Are you going to threaten me?"

"No, I is askin' you like a civilized motherfucker."

The stinky faggot sits back in his desk chair, ponderin' and shit.

"Well, is you?"

"Is I what?"

"Is you going to help me take care of this dog?"

"I don't know yet. You can't just spring a dog on a person. The time to talk would have been before you got the dog."

"Blah blah blah. Lecture lecture lecture. You should see the fly bitch I got with this dog. This dog can work for you, too, you know. Get you some tight freshman fag you can cornhole when I isn't in the room."

"Come on.."

"Doesn't you want to fuck the butt of some tight freshmans that you lured into the room with ole Seymour here, fuck them right up the butts?"

"I'm not gay."

"If you want to fuck butts, that's your business---what am I going to say about it? I'm trying to do you a service..by presenting you..with a dog..who can help further your pursuits."

"According to you my pursuits are cornholing unsuspecting freshmen."

"Stickin' your doodad up their butts."

"Right. I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm not gay. I like girls too."

"You like they pussy?"


"Then why is you so afraid to say it?"

"I'm not."

"Then say it. Right now."


"Just 'cause you can say it don't make you straight, brah. When I talk about a straight guy I mean a guy who through and through likes pussy. Lives it. Breathes it. Loves it. Is you that kind of guy?"

"I like pussy."

"But you be soundin' so tentative..like is you sure you likes it? For instance, do you likes it hairy or shaved?"

"I guess..either way."

"That sound like a fag thing to say, my friend. And you can see how, with an answer like that, I am uncomfortable with you sleepin' in the same room as me. I'm not sure I can trust you sleepin' in the same room as Seymour."

"What do you think I'm going to do to him?"

"I doesn't know, my man. I just doesn't know. But I's wouldn't want to risk it."

"Well I guess you can't keep him here, since you can't trust me alone with your dog."

"Your words, not mine. I never said anything about you's bein' alone with him. If you was alone with him, what kind of things would you do?"

"Nothing! I don't even want your dog here!"

"Is you sure?"

"I think you should sell him as soon as possible."

"Well I guess it isn't true."


"About fags having warm hearts."


"I thought you people had a soft spot for animals."

"Get it through your head..I'm not gay!"

"I never sees you with a woman."

"I've been with several women this year."

"Why doesn't I see them?"

"Because you're always out..doing..whatever you do."

"I fuck bitches."

"Fucking bitches, then."

"Fly bitches."

"I'm sure."

"You say that like you be doubtin' a motherfucker and I feel your doubt."

"No, I'm sure you do."

"I do. I let a bitch know who's who. Be takin' my own shaving cream along just in case they pussies ain't shaved..shavin' those motherfuckers, get 'em real smooth, you be eatin' off these motherfuckers. Seymour knows. Helped me get this fly bitch who I know I'm'onna bed. Little Miss D."

"You call her that 'cause she has a dick?"

"No, I call her that because she's Defiant. Little bitch had the stuff to stand up to me when I was makin' noise in a cafe, disturbin' her study group talking about bitches and hoes and so forth. Little Miss D. stood up to me. And I'm going to drop that bitch's panties and stick my dick in. Show that bitch what happens when you stand up to me, teach her what defiance gets you. It gets you a cock in the v., is what it gets you, whether you like it or not. I'm gonna bang that bitch till she feel it in her teeth, she be usin' my cum as toothpaste."

"Sounds romantic."

"To you it wouldn't, fag. That's 'cause you don't know anything about pussy---real pussy. Your three girls a year..you think that teaches you about real pussy? I bet they be fat lesbians you be fuckin', hairy upper lip, don't shave they armpits. I'm talkin' about fresh, clean pussy. Race car pussy. You be fuckin' old jalopy pussy. This is that kind of pussy you get when you're sixteen---'cept I be gettin' that every day. I be fuckin' Little Miss D.---you see. Now I need this Seymour to help keep that bitch's attention, so is you going to let me keep this dog or what?"


Stinky faggot said he'd have to think about that, and he left to get some lunch. I locked the door. It seemed like a perfect time to view some porn, if you catch my drift. So I stashed Seymour in the corner and did some searches.

The first thing I searched for is "girls whose fathers didn't love them." It was a bunch of images of sorry-looking chicks who had been abandoned by they fathers, and these got me hard right away. Poor little unloved girls sitting in the corner with their arms crossed, bruises on they faces, looking all pouty like. I thought about getting off to one of those bitches right there, but I was too smart for that. I knew the internet had more to offer me. I could always come back to these pouty bitches later.

I typed in a string of words something like "cum slut hentai bitch boobs cums real hard 100% real orgasms" and I got a bunch of junk.

So I's narrowed my search. I typed "100% real panty girls teens cumming in they britches," thinking that even though britches was an archaic word the internet would know what I mean. This time I got some fine-ass pictures of bitches creamin' they panties, some real 100% bitches including this one bitch who had pink panties and was sittin' in a feather bed playin' with that bitch's own pussy with feathers and a clear dildo bigger than any dick I had ever seen. It made me mad to think of this bitch getting off on that clear dildo, when really it should have been my cock she was getting off with. She almost got me off but then I started thinkin' about how that bitch was probably a real-life lesbian and me's started getting angry about that bitch bein' a lesbian and me started to punch me computer screen and Seymour be gettin' hyped up so me figured me should tone it down a bit.

Another of the real panty girls I found was this ballet dancer, be wearin' a leotard with white things sticking out of her pussy area in case that bitch's pussy be splashin' out when that bitch get excited. The camera was all up in her pussy area and I was thinkin' how that bitch had been a bad, bad bitch---be disobeyin' her dance instructor and shit, be breakin' all the rules---and that bitch's pussy need punishing, and me's the one they sent to do it. 'Cause sometimes when a ballet-dancin' bitch get out of line they like to send in a 100% American gangsta, to quiet that bitch down. She needs her pussy punished, and I is the pussy punisher. I start imaginin' her teachin' ballet steps to me while I fucks her bad, bad, pussy and then I starts wonderin' if I is gay 'cause I's imaginin' her teachin' me ballet steps. Surely no 100% straight dude would imagine a ballet bitch teachin' him dance steps! I's must be a certain percentage gay! Do you think stinky faggot knows?!

I search for "100% straight girls with tight pussies no gay stuff" and feel a sigh of relief. This search don't be havin' no gay stuff in it---me specified 100% straight! Me specified no gay stuff. Surely me fantasies this time around won't be includin' no gay-ass fantasies about ballet dancers teaching me to dance! But I don't get anything good with this search so I have to go again.

"super-tight bitches be havin' pliers in they pussy" gives me nothing. "gator-grip twat" gives me nothing.

I decide to go back to my previous tack. "bitches who be damaged in they mind and will let you cum in they face" gives me some more sad-looking bitches including one about five years old sittin' in her parents' kitchen lookin' like she just got beat with a chain. Welts and shit on her arms. Bruised face. She has all she clothes on, but you can imagine what she grows up like---become one of these college bitches don't care what the fuck you do to 'em, long as it's violent. "bitches who like violence" gives me some bitches who like to inflict violence, and they is not the kind of bitches I is lookin' for.

I try just "sad-looking bitches" and get a jackpot. I get some dogs, some pictures of pigs. But I also gets middle-aged bitches who is just sad, and I almost jerk off over some bitch looks like Hillary Clinton. Then they is some pathetic bitches, in they twenties, who looks depressed. They looks like they need medication. One of these bitches has brown hair and looks like this actress who was famous when I was a kid. I can't help it but this thought of me suckling at her titties flashes into my head. Like she was old enough to be my mom and shit. I can't help it if sick shit comes into my head. That's just the way I'm built.

So I'm strokin' it looking at this bitch old enough to be my mom, and she's breastfeedin' me in my mind, and I almost cum, but not quite. Put that bitch away.

I need some prime bitches. "prime bitches in they prime who has fly skin big titties (all natural) and tight coochies between they legs (must include detailed shots of pussy) send!" That gives me some papers written by college professors. I just type, "bitches in they prime." Autocorrect comes back suggesting I meant, "bitches in their prime."

"No, bitch," I say, and Seymour stands up. "We ain't ready to go yet, Mr. S. I gots to get my junk off, ya dig? We's gonna be here another minute so you might as well get settled."

The poor fucking dog looks hungry. Maybe stinky faggot is right: this is no place to hold a dog.

I do a search for "girls being tortured" and get a lot of stuff back. Man, you are some disgusting fucks. It's all fake but there's this one on a boat that looks like it's real. Some stuff I never would have thought to search for, a girl with a manual blender up her puss and they're turning the handle. Girls getting cut with razor blades---looks real. I try to think of myself cutting a bitch with a razor blade but I can't..I like straight sex. You have to be really bored to get off on cutting a bitch up, but respect, if that's what gets you off.

I do a search for "bitch with a baseball bat up her cooter" and I get it, one hit. Some sick fucks stuck a baseball bat up a bitch's cooter and put that picture on the internet.

I try a search for "hitting a bitch in the head with a baseball bat" and find some Faces of Death stuff, just a woman's face being bashed in with a baseball bat, nothing interesting. You could see her brains coming out her eye sockets, but I didn't see how you could masturbate to that. It was good for an entertainment, that's it.

Seymour barks.

"Hold on, little man. I gots to get my rocks off before we take you out for a walk."

He barks again.

"Settle down, ok? See what I'm doing here?"

Gotta get off quick. Any longer and stinky faggot is liable to come walking through that door.

Think of a good search.

"white pussies with massive black cocks"

"electric torture pussies (wires and shit)"

"gerbil in ass"

"gerbil in female ass"

"medical examination (medical gloves) male hand examining female pussy with hard porn elements and full soundtrack"

Nothing would get me off. I hated to do it but I went for my old standby.

"college girls getting fucked against their will hardcore"

It's the only thing that gets me off. A few clicks and I was in paradise, tight-pussied chicks getting thrown against beds, walls, pressed to the floor. Chicks getting beaten in the face for not giving it up. Chicks drugged and fucked while they were passed out. Chicks getting fucked by their college professors. Freshman chicks getting fucked by seniors. Single chicks getting done by five guys. Chicks losing their virginity. Chicks getting banged so hard their teeth chatter together. Chicks getting tied up in the back of a pickup truck, fucked, and left in the woods. For creepy-crawly things to eat them, go inside their ears and infect their pussies. Discarded pussy. Pussy thrown aside after it was used.

It had to be college girls, too. I guess 'cause I'm in college. Old-ass bitches weren't much good except for a titty-milking fantasy. Some white trash high school girl? Forget it. Dumb-ass bitches. I need to believe they're smart, need to get with my librarian fantasy.

Little Miss Defiance was perfect..for now. Little freshman bitch? Book smart. Doesn't take shit. Had the nerve to stand up to me in the coffee shop when I was with my boy. That's the kind of girl it's hard to get inside her panties. Prob'ly doesn't drop 'em for just any guy. Which means that girl has a tight pussy. Prob'ly can't even get two fingers inside it. When she fingers it she prob'ly does it with her pinky. Be rubbin' her clit with that other pinky finger. Get those pussy juices flowin'.

That's the kind of bitch I'd like to tie to her motherfuckin' bed, put that bitch's legs in the air and fuck. Get her wearin' some white tights like that ballet-dancin' bitch, go right up to her cooch. Cover that bitch's face up with my hands so she can't talk, then drop a load in that bitch. Right smack dab in the middle. She's gonna make me cum! Tight little Laely, I'm gonna rub my dick in your pussy, Laely. Oh oh oh!


Well I had to bust out of there before stinky faggot came home and found my jizz stains all over his desk. I never jerk off at my own desk. That's what stinky faggot's desk is for.

I headed up to the fountain to see if Laely was there, but she wasn't. It was all graduate hoes. You can never get pussy off a graduate ho. They're too smart for that. You need you a freshman.

I looked and looked but all the freshman must have had classes to go to. They wasn't a single freshman in sight.

The next few days I kept going back to the fountain. I figured Laely had to go back there, and she did. It was on a Wednesday that I found her.

"How's it goin'?"

"Where's your dog?"

"He's back in the dorm. I can take you to see him if you like."

"No thanks."

"Is you ready for our second walk?"

"No, I have to study."

"What is you studyin'?"

"Are you really interested?"

"What is the alternative?"

"That you want to get down my pants."

"How I's be fittin' down your pants? You look like about a size..small."

"If you don't mind, I'm really not in the mood today."

"What isn't you in the mood for?"


"I's is not going to take that personally, 'cause I's don't think you really mean it. But I's going to let you make it up to me."

"By what?"

"By suckin' me cock."

"Oh Jesus. Really. I'm reading. Find somewhere else to be."

"I prefer to be's here."

"I prefer you didn't."

"You is a stallion. Is you aware that you is a stallion?"

"You're comparing me to a horse."

"I'm not sayin' in your face. I mean some bitches they be lookin' like horses all up in they faces. Horse bitches, me's calls them. I've known me some horse bitches in my day. Could introduce you to some horse bitches, if you like. But that's not what I'm sayin' about you. I'm sayin'---have you ever seen the movie The Black Stallion?"

"When I was a kid."

"Well has you read the book?"


"Well me likes the book. And the horse, when she gets wild, she reminds me of you. You is a wild bitch."

"I'm pretty sure the horse in The Black Stallion is a guy."

"To me she was always a girl."

"That's because you're obsessed with girls."

"How does you know that?"

"It's obvious. It comes out in everything you say."

"You is very observant."

"I'm not stupid."

"Me's doesn't think you are. Quite the opposite. Me thinks you be an extraordinary bitch."

"Oh yeah? What do you think is extraordinary about me?"

"To start with, you's have an extraordinary face. And you's have an extraordinary body, I mean fine, fine body, any guy be wantin' you."

"Is that it? My face and my body?"

"No sir! You be thinkin' me skin deep. Me likes you personality, ho. You's got a bangin' sensibility. Some call you Laely. I call you Little Miss D. It's that defiance that first got me attracted to you, when you stood up to me in the coffeehouse."

"You liked that, did you?"


"Well I'm standing up to you now, telling you to get out of my face and let me get back to my reading."

"Why you gotta be like that?"

"Why is anyone the way they are?"

"You know what I mean. I'm standin' here complimentin' you and you gotta go and do me like that."

"I appreciate the compliments. I can see that you're interested in me."

"I is."

"I'm just not interested back. Sorry."

"You ain't gotta be sorry. It ain't a bitch's responsibility to like every guy that likes her. I understand. You in high demand. Hot pussy like that can do whatever it wants. You don't need to be givin' it up every time a guy say so. But I's different. I don't just be wantin' to get in your pants."

"That's exactly what you want."

"Nah, I's be likin' you for who you are, deep down."

"You don't even know me."

"But what I sees, I likes."

"My face, my body."

"And yo' defiance."

"My defiance. That's funny you call it that, my sister always said I was defiant."

"She was right."

"You can't just walk up to a girl and start talking about pussy and hoes and bring your stupid dog up to impress her. You got to show a girl you really care, take her places---"

"I take you places."

"And don't interrupt her. Listen when she talks. Get to know her. Didn't anyone ever teach you this?"

"I didn't have no pops, so I's been learnin' on my own."

"What happened to your pops?"

"He ain't never pay no attention to me."

"Is he dead or in jail or something?"


"Did he live with you?"


"Then how can you say you had no pops? You had a pops he just didn't care."

"That's right."

"Then be accurate. Say you had a pops and he didn't care. You can't just tell people you had no pops."

"I guess you right. I is corrected."

"It's no problem."

"I know it's no problem."

"Are you arguing with me?"


"Don't argue with a bitch!"

"Look who's gettin' feisty now!"

"You don't even know. I'm the feistiest bitch you'll ever meet."

"'Cause you seem like more of a schooly type."

"I am schooly! That don't mean I'm not feisty. Everyone in my family is feisty."

"Tell me about you's family."

"Do you really care?"

"No, I's just wants to get down your pants. Yes I care!"

"Ok. My sister, is older. She's the risk taker. My mom is a nurse. My dad is a pilot. My sister raised me, we ate Ramen noodles and watched old movies. Like black-and-white ones. Lots of musicals. We used to sing the songs at the top of our lungs until Mom got home. Now tell me about your family."

"Well. We is raised in the ghetto. Me pops, he was a serial assassin---"

"No he wasn't."

"Why you wanna know about my family?"

"This is what people do. When they meet each other."

"Is we meetin' each other?"

"No. I'm just showing you how."

"You is a good teacher."

"Just shut up and tell me what your father does."

"It's somethin' in real estate, me's not exactly sure."

"And your mom?"

"She teaches yoga."

"So how did you get into the gangsta shit?"

"Me begs your pardon?"

"Forget it. If you want to play games, find some other girl. In fact, find some other girl anyway."

"I guess I just heard it on the records, you know."

"Like Eminem and shit?"

"Him. And others. Is you really interested or do you just want to get down me pants?"

"You know what, forget it. I've spent way too much time already."

"No. Show me. How people meet people."

"Well. They don't talk about getting down each other's pants all the time."


"No. They talk about normal things. Like we were doing. Like what kind of music they like and what they study and where they're from. Then they progress to the more intimate topics."

"What is these more intimate topics?"

"Sex and love. You and I are not going to be discussing these things."

"So we stick to the more..superficial..shall we say?"

"I think you're smarter than you let on."

"I think a person don't often be rewarded for being smart, what do you think?"

"I think you're right. But I think a person doesn't have to hide their smarts just because people don't understand. Just be yourself."

"I is bein' myself, I's is just bein' a certain version of myself."

"Well keep it up. But I think the gangsta talk is unnecessary."

"I's be takin' what you sayin' under consideration. But I's be askin' you to consider something in return."


"That you's be comin' out on a date with me. A proper date. We's be goin' up in the club, a club of my choosin', and we interact in the ritualistic matin' activities of the North American species."

"You want to dance?"


"Can you even dance?"

"I's gives it me best."

"That's cute."

"So is we goin'?"


"You's is turnin' me down?"

"I'm busy."

"You's is busy every night?"

"I'm busy in general. Why don't you go out and find some other girl who suits your particular pussy fancy, get her drunk and fuck her brains out?"

"Why doesn't I do that?"

"Why don't you do that, yes."

"I's doesn't do that because that other girl won't be you."

"Please. You just met me. Find some other 'bitch' who has less on her plate and doesn't mind being smacked around by your gangsta ass."

"I's don't smack bitches."

"Oh, I'm sorry. You treat 'bitches' real well, starting with calling them bitches. I'm sorry if I offended your delicate shell."

"Why won't you come on a date with me?"

"Because I'm scared. I'm scared of meeting you in the daylight. I'm scared that you won't take no for an answer in a little matter of me needing to do my reading, but instead I'm here with you going through the A B Cs of the mating ritual. Is that reason enough for you?"

"No, because me isn't scary. Me is a nice guy who wants to take you on a date to a public place where we could drink and dance and do things that normal college students do."

"I just don't want to. Ok?"

"What is the chances of you changin' your mind?"


"Well do you mind if I sit down next to you?"

"No. I have to read."

"I can't just sit here quietly while you read?"

"I don't know, can you sit here quietly?"

"It will be difficult sitting next to you."

"Then don't sit down."

"Do you's mind if I meet you here tomorrow?"

"Oh, man, this is my favorite reading spot. You're telling me you're going to ruin it by coming here every day?"

"So you is going to be here tomorrow?"

"I might be."

"Well I's might be too. Let's just leave it at that."


She was there the next day. I had brought me book. I went up to her and sat down beside. Then I opened me book.

"What are you doing?"

"Me is reading."

"What is you reading? Geez you've got me doing it."

"Doing what?"

"Talking like an idiot."

"Me's don't wants to interrupt you, so you go ahead and me's just sits here and read me's book."

"What is your book? A Brief History of Antagonistical Politics for the Discerning Reader? Is this your major?"

"No, this is me's pet subject area. Me unofficial area of concentration. What be your area of concentration, Little Miss?"

"Political theory. Did you get that book just to impress me?"

"No, and I don't expects this book to impress you."

"Does it impress you?"

"It be marginal."

"Then why are you reading it?"

"Because me wants to have a more complete picture of the subject area, and this be an important author. Don't lets me interrupt you, though, me's has no intention of getting on your bad side, Little Miss. Goes forth with your reading and I's goes forth with mine. We's be two little peas in a pod sittin' on this beautiful fountain with these other people. We's all be academians, and it be's right and proper."

She look me over, and it be like she not know what to be thinkin'. She had a mixture of emotions flowing out of her and I knew that she was feelin' the special feelin's between her legs. She had a kitty cat down there and as you well know cats like to be pet. Rawr rawr! I wants to pet that kitty and treat it nice, then train it to jump when I say jump, train it to open its mouth and take me in. I be stuffin' that cat full of dick with a plumpness. Be gettin' its belly full. Pettin' that cat like meow! Meow! Danger cat. Freaky cat. I was startin' to wish that that pussy had the slightest bit of hair on it, not shaved like I usually like 'em. Not hairy though---I turn a bitch away for havin' hair on her pussy.

"'Scuse me Little Miss."


"What you readin' over there?"

She shows me.

"Benjamin Barber. Keen. Keen stuff. I like Benjamin Barber. Haven't read his later work. But yeah, good guy."

"You've read Benjamin Barber?"

"Of course I has read him. What the fuck you think I be doin' around here, playin' with me dick?"

"Ok, ok. Take no offense brother. It just doesn't seem like the sort of thing you would read."

"What do you think I be readin'? Playboy and Maxim?"

"I don't know what you read. I barely know you."

"Well gets to know a brotha."


"Me is sorry. Me's doesn't want to bother Little Miss D. Please continue with your reading. Me's be quiet, me's promise."

"No problem."

"Is you saying that me's being here is not causing a problem for you?"

"No, not at the moment."

"Me is glad to hear that."

So I lets her read. And I lets her absorb her Benjamin Barber. I's dabble in a little political philosophy from time to time, I's can keep up with that bitch.

I look around. There are plenty of fly bitches at this fountain but me has found the one. Little Miss Laely D., reader of Benjamin Barber and possessor of the tightest pussy in the land (presumed). I presumes that bitch has a tight pussy and I presumes that she keeps it tight with running and yoga and Kegel exercises. I can't abide a bitch with a loose pussy. Little Miss D. wouldn't do that to me, after all the work I'm puttin' in. She wouldn't.



"Does you have a tight pussy?"

"Don't worry about my pussy."

"Me's is just curious."

"Read your book."

So me's opened me book and read. First I read about Anthropological Misfits and Their Relation to the Common Whole (that was a chapter). Then I was starting to look at the pictures of females protesting with their breasteses hanging out and I was thinking of why it's Not Appropriate to Masturbate in Public when Monkeys Do It and then I had this elaborate fantasy of fucking Laely in the fountain right behind us and water going in and out of her pussy as I fucked it. I wanted to make her cum against her will, because I knew she didn't want me to do it to her but I wanted it to be so good that she came anyway. I wanted to see her face go through the pleasurable contortions of climax and her whole body be in my control. I wanted her pussy to be so tight it gripped me like a gator-grip twat, like some beast wrassling my dick to the ground. But I would win, pounce on that bitch with a stiff cock and beat her into mush, until she was all squishy parts and female juices. That's a bitch's job: to be soft and wet.

I closed my book and looked at Laely. I didn't make any facade that I wasn't looking at her. I just looked.

"What are you looking at?"


"Well, don't."

"Why you don't want me lookin' at you?"

"Because I'm worried about what you might be thinking."

"Just normal thoughts."

"I'm sure."

So I looked some more.

"Seriously, what are you looking at?"

"I is lookin' at you."

"Please don't."

"Does I make you uncomfortable?"

"Yes. Very."

"What is you afraid I is gonna do? We is in public. Nothing's going to happen."

"I'm not afraid of you."

"'Cause you is Little Miss Defiance. You is not afraid of anyone."

"Are you done with your book?"

"I is done with it for now."

"Then maybe it's time for you to go find a new one."

"I brings another one tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? You're telling me there's going to be a tomorrow?"

"I hopes so."

"I mean with us. I don't think I can deal with there being a tomorrow."

"Well you is going to haves to deal with it."

"What do you want from me?"

"I wants to be with you, I said that."


"That too."

"You expect me to believe that you really like me."

"I do really likes you. What's so hard to believe?"

"What if I told you I like women?"

"I would say that's hot."

"As in: I don't like you. I like pussy, not cock. Get lost."

"I don't believe you."

"Why not? I could be a lesbian."

"And me thinks lesbians are hot."

"But they don't want to have sex with you."

"But I wants to have sex with them."

"You're off in your fantasy land about lesbians who really like cock. I'm talking about real lesbians, muff divers, girls who like girls."

"I don't think you're a lesbian."

"How would you know?"

"Because of the way you respond to me."

"First of all: I don't respond to you. I'm repulsed by you."

"No you isn't."

"Don't tell me who I'm repulsed by, ok? That's my business."

"You want me."

"What? No I don't."

"You want to be touched by someone. I can see it in your eyes."

"Maybe I want to be touched by someone but it sure isn't you."

"You think I can make you happy. When I touch you. That I could touch you just right."

"You just don't stop, do you? I don't want to be with you. We're never getting together. I'm tolerating you out of the goodness of my heart because you seem pathetic and you obviously don't have any friends. You carry around that book which you obviously haven't read---"

"I has read this book, bitch."

"Ok, you read it. Can you leave me alone now?"

"I think you likes me."

"Maybe, I find some charm in your ridiculous way of talking and the fact that under that shell you don't seem to be a complete idiot."

"So you does like me."

"Not in the way you want."

"Me can live with that."

"Which is pathetic. Shouldn't you be with a girl who listens to Tupac and lets you fuck her in the ass? Someone with a hair weave and a crack habit the size of Montana?"

"You is really smart, isn't you? You thinks that I have a drug problem because I talks this way. I don't do drugs, bitch. You don't know anything about me except for me dog Seymour and that me likes to read and that me likes you. I ain't for discriminatin', bitch. I like equal-opportunity hoes. I want to mess up your pussy like something bad..I mean bad. You's a hot ho. I ain't playin' about that. I want a piece of that ass like Martha Stewart want a piece of cherry pie. I thinks you and me would be good together. But I know you ain't down with all that. So I'm sittin' here with you readin'. You don't want to fuck me, ok. I can handle that. But let me sit here with you 'cause I think you're beautiful. We can even do some conversation. I be readin' what you be readin', bitch. Check that."

"Stop calling me bitch."

"I be callin' you whatever you want to be called, ho."

"Call me Laely."

"Laely you is."

"I just want to sit here quietly."

"Then we sit here quietly."

"You don't tell me any more about how you want to have sex with me. I don't want to hear that."

"No more sex talk."




"Can we's meet here tomorrow?"

She looks up.

"Don't get cold on me..Laely."

"If we meet here tomorrow you bring a new book so you have something to read."

"I brings a new book."

"Then yes we can meet here tomorrow."



"Hello. Me not bugs you today. Me reads."

"What are you reading?"

"Polemical Africa: A Retrospective in Strangeness."

"Who wrote that?"

"It's anonymous."

"It's anonymous? That's strange."

"Yes it say right here: A Retrospective in Strangeness."

"I mean it's strange that it's anonymous."

"I knows what you mean. Is we readin' now or what?"

"We can talk for a little while if you want to."

"Fine. But only if you chooses the subjects 'cause all me subjects are off limits."

"That's 'cause your only subject is sex."

"We's could talk about Polemical Africa."

"I don't know anything about that."

"So you's don't knows everything."

"I never said I did."

"You just acts like it."


"Sorry. Just me observation."

"I didn't mean to act like that. I know you..know things."

"You think you on a different level, though. A level that could never touch me. Like I'm down here..and you up there."

"I don't think that."

"Is you sure?"

"Yes, I is sure. I don't think you're on an untouchable level. I think you have a strange way of presenting yourself but you do seem smart."

"So I's seems smart to you."

"Yes, you do, after some conversation."

"So I's takes some getting to know, haha. But you getting to know me now!"

"For whatever reason."

"See..why do you do that? You cast me off."

"Well you have a way of forcing your intimacy, it makes me uncomfortable from time to time."

"I's sorry. I's not do that anymore."

"You will, though. You will."

"I's try not to."

"I appreciate that. You just have a grating way about you."

"Maybe you's not need to tell me about all me flaws."

"I'm sorry. You're right. I'm choosing to interact with you and as long as I'm choosing that I owe you the respect of not critiquing you to your face."

"Sometimes friends be helpin' each other by critiquin'."

"But sometimes people be hurtin' each other by critiquin', dude."

"Why you call me dude?"

"Because. I'm trying to get into your whole gangsta thing."

"Gangsta thing and dude thing be two separate things, dude."

She laughs. I makes Laely laugh. I is makin' progress.

"Maybe you lets me take you out for drinks, dude."

"Hold it right there, dude."

"What, dude?"

"Drinks, dude?"

"Drinks, Laely, let a brotha take you out for drinks."

"I don't think we're quite there yet."

"What more does we need to get there?"

"I don't know. A lot. We might never get there."

"Like ever ever?"

"Like ever ever."

"What is drinks? We is practically havin' drinks right now. Except we isn't in a bar. That's the only difference."

"And we're not drinking alcohol."

"That's the other difference. See? Havin' drinks be not much different than what we doin' anyway. If we be drinkin' we leave the books at home of course."

"I don't know that I'm ready to have drinks with you."

"Well if you gets ready, please know, I is ready to have drinks with you."

"That's sweet. It really is sweet. You're a sweet person."

"You don't like to have drinks with sweet people?"

"I do. I have gone out for drinks before."

"And. This lucky gentleman who had drinks with you..where did you meet him?"

"Who says it was a gentleman?"

"What? You is into the muff?"

"Ok. Yes. It was a gentleman. And I met him in class, since you want to know."

"So if you and I has classes together, we would be havin' drinks by now?"

"Not necessarily. It depends on a variety of factors. The most important of which is where my heart takes me. Do I feel it with a particular guy. Doesn't your heart guide you?"

"My heart guided me to you."

"Thanks, but I'm talking about when you really like someone."

"I do really likes you."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do. I likes you since the moment I met you."

"In the coffeehouse when I became Little Miss Defiance."

"Yes. When you became Little Miss Defiance. I like when a girl defies me. It turn me on. You is the first girl to turn me on in a long time."

"You're talking about being turned on. I'm talking about where your heart leads you."

"What's the difference?"

"Yours is purely sexual. Mine includes aspects of the emotional self, the social self, the spiritual self."

"My spiritual self is sexual."

"That's deep."

"I'm serious. Ain't sex spiritual to you? When I be makin' love, that shit be spiritual as fuck. I be seein' angels and shit, be havin' sex with angels and seein' the Holy Spirit come down to me and be spreadin' light and happiness on me and the bitch I be havin' sex with. It be profound."

"I bet."

"I could shows you if you want."

"No thanks."

"Don't you want to be seein' angels and havin' your bells rung and shit?"

"By you?"

"Yes, by me."

"I appreciate the offer, but I don't want to have my bells rung just now."

"You is an uptight bitch."

"Because I won't fuck you?"

"You won't even talk about it. This is lame."

"Well I'm sorry if I'm so lame to you."

"I's be wantin' to have fun with a bitch. You be wantin' to shut a brotha down."

"I'm sorry if this isn't fun for you."

"It be more fun if you let me lick your pussy."

"Yeah, let me just take my pants off."

"Has you ever had your pussy licked before?"

"All the time. I lick it myself. It's a great trick."

"I's be likin' to see that."

"I'm kidding! You think a girl can lick her own pussy, you really are dumb."

"I's be tryin' to suck my own dick."

"I bet you do."

"I do."

"Any luck with that?"

"Not so far."

"Well keep it up, I'm sure you'll get there."

"I's keeps it up, then."

"Yeah, do that."

"You could help a brotha out, you know."

"How's that?"

"Suck on a nigga's bone."

"I can't imagine a less-appealing way to state that."

"What? Has you ever sucked on a nigga's bone before?"

"Please, make it stop."

"Make what stop?"

"Your mouth."

"Would you like to suck on my bone, Laely?"

Laely laughs.

"That's a sincere offer!"

"I'm sure it is. What do I get in return?"

"I licks your pussy."

"No thanks."

"You don't want to have your pussy licked? I hear it feels real good."

"I think you have to have the right person licking it for that to be the case."

"I bet I licks you so good you thinks I's the right person."

"You had a lot of experience with this?"

"I licks pussy all the time!"

"I'm not gonna lick your bone, nigga. Is that clear enough for you? We have a sitting-by-the-fountain thing, not an oral sex thing, not a real sex thing, not a sex thing at all. I'm uncomfortable with this conversation."

"Then I stops."

"Thank you."

"You is welcome, Laely. Me doesn't want to makes you uncomfortable."

"Maybe it's time we stop our session for today."

"Me likes to have sessions with you."

"I'm happy for you."

"Doesn't you like it?"

"No. Not really."

"I tries harder, then."

"Why don't you just find some other defiant bitch?"

"Because you got that special something."

"What are the chances? What are the chances that I meet you? If I hadn't gone to the coffeehouse that day we never would have met."

"I thinks we would have met either way. We was meant to be together."

"Now you're scaring me a little bit."

"Come out for drinks with me tonight, Laely."

"Sorry but it's just not going to happen."

"One drink."


"One drink we share between us---half a drink."

"No thank you."

"Come for a walk with me, to my dorm. We can meet Seymour."

"I'm not going to your dorm."

"Fine. We can go to your dorm."

"No! Let's just..keep it at the fountain. That's what I'm comfortable with."

"What if I brings me boys along while we haves our drink, so there is, like, other people there?"

"That would be a step in the right direction."

"And you brings you girls, that way it's like..a whole bunch of people, all having drinks, and it isn't so much pressure on you and me to be like a couple and shit."

"We are not a couple."

"I knows."

"You would be willing to have your boys there and I could bring my friends?"

"Absolutely. I's is just lookin' for a good time."

"What bar?"

"Is you agreein' to me proposal?"

"No, I'm just talking theoretically. If we were to go out, what bar?"

"Any bar you choose."

"Smiling Skull?"

"Whatever, bitch."

"Don't call me bitch, remember?"

"I's is sorry."

"Do you think you can remember, for a whole night, not to call women bitches?"

"For you's I try."

"I don't need you to try. I need you to do it. I can't stand hearing you talk that way. It turns me off, understand?"

"Does that mean that sometimes you is turned on?"

"No, it does not mean that!"

"I is just playin'."

"Ok. Haha. Very funny. Just don't call women bitches, ok?"

"Ok. Me's try for a whole night."

"Try for your whole life."

"That be kinda extreme and me is gonna ignore that you say that."

"You're right. I'm not trying to change you."

"I is my own person."

"That's true."

"So is we doin' this?"


"For reals?"

"Yeah, for reals."

"Should I bring my boys?"

"No, just the fact that you're willing to is ok."

"You want me to meet you at your dorm?"

"Let's meet at the bar."

"Ok, girl, you ain'ts going to regret this."

"One drink."

"One drink, bitch! That's all I be askin' for in the first place!"

Laely gives me a grave look.

"One drink," I say.


I shows up early and there be fly bitches everywhere. I be's havin' trouble keepin' me dick in me pants. There was part of me that wanted to head on over to the bar and see if I could pick me up some straight hoes for the evening. But then there was part of me who knew that Laely was comin', so I waited by the door.

When Laely be gettin' there, me eyes came out of me sockets. That bitch wore a red dress, tight as hell, short all the way to her little ass.


"Well what?"

"Are we going inside?"

I opened the door for Laely.

She went in and said, "Look who's quiet all of a sudden. You didn't think I could dress up?"

"I didn't think you was going to dress up for me. Is me..under dressed?"

"You're fine."

"You is fine too, Laely, you is a fine bitch."

She put her hand out to me. She was bein' all flirty and shit, and I thought, this is the real deal. Me's hit the jackpot. Virgin freshman pussy (for I was suspecting this bitch to be a virgin). Here in the palm of my hand. I extended my hand out to her.

"Buy me a drink," she says.

"I buys you whatever you want."

"Buy me a Tom Collins."

"My bitch be drinkin' Tom Collins's! Yo sir! Get me two Tom Collins's, stat. My bitch be needin' a drink!"

"Let's find a table."

"You prefer we be sittin' at a table?"


"Here is a table right over here!"

"That's fine."

"I go get our drinks. You wait right here."

"I'll be here."

So I wents to get me drinks and when the man was makin' 'em me decided to tell him me good fortune.

"You see my bitch over there? That be a bad academic defiant son of a motherfuckin' bitch. And I'm pretty sure that bitch be a virgin, too. That bad bitch is my bad bitch. I be knockin' boots. Give her drink extra alcohol, ok? I need to get this bitch in bed. You think she got panties on? I like a bad bitch wear no panties. Take her out back of the building and slip my dick in, fuck that bitch like ain't gonna be no second chances, you know what I'm sayin'? Gimme my motherfuckin' drinks."

"That'll be twenty dollars."

"Fuck you. Here's ten."

I took my Tom Collins's back to Laely and I set hers in front of her.

"Laely, you look fine, you do. You really outdid yourself."

"I'm glad you like it. Thanks for the drink."

"You is welcome."

"I've been looking for a chance to wear this dress."

"Well I'm glad you took a chance on me."

"Mmm! This is a good Tom Collins!"

"You think so? I thought he was a shitty bartender."

"Yeah it's great!"

"You know, it's great when a girl really lets you know what she's thinking. I like when a girl is open like that, not all closed off with her feelin's and shit. I like to know what a girl is thinkin'."

"What am I thinking?"

"That you're glad to be here, that you like your drink, that you glad to be with me and that you like bein' sexy all out on the town and shit, not just readin' by the fountain like you always is."

"It is nice to be out."

"Is you glad to be out with me?"

"I is."

"Is you makin' fun of me?"

"A little..but it's not a bad thing."

"So it ain't no bad thing, no?"


"You just like to make fun of the way I talk."

Laely smiles. She has this knock-out beautiful smile.

"You wants another drink?"

"Not quite yet."

"But you is havin' another drink?"

"Probably. Do you want to dance?"

"You want to be dancin' with me?"

She nods. She's got the straw in her mouth.

"Let's go."

She laughs. "Let me finish my drink."

"You be doin' whatever you wants, Laely. You takes your time with that shit. I just be chillin', lookin' at you."

I watches her finish her drink, and at least once she has that straw in her mouth and she's lookin' at me with those big eyes and I knows that she wants my bone in her mouth. She be signallin' me! This bitch want to get fucked! Why else would she be drinkin' like that, 'cept to drive me mad!? Mad hips, mad legs, mad pussy yo!

"Are you ready?" she says around the straw.


So we goes to the dance floor, and she leads me with one hand yo, and I'm thinkin', am I the luckiest man in the world that tonight I'm gonna get to sleep with this bitch?! This be one fine sensitive bitch! This ain't be yo' regular-type ho, with a nasty cooter and an attitude. This be a pure and kind, tight-pussy-havin', nice-girl student with a 3.0 grade point average---maybe higher! This be the kind of bitch ain't never sucked a dick in her life!

She starts dancin', and that girl has moves! She's dancin' all sexy like and so I put it into gear and do what I can. All the times I just want to scream, "This bitch is with me!" And then me starts thinkin' about kissing her, getting all slobbery and sticking my tongue down her throat. Her boobs brush up against me on the dancefloor and I wonder if she feel it in her nipple. Then my dick starts getting hard.

We're dancing and I be lookin' at her crotch, thinkin' what she got under the hood and I develop this real fat woody woodster. I grab my cock, tryin' to play it off real cool.

"Stop grabbing your cock."


"Stop grabbing your cock!"

"You gave me wood."

She looks down, and I hopes she is impressed. "Do you wanna sit down?"

"I think I need ice."

"Aww, poor baby. Let's sit down."

So we sit down, and my wood goes away, and we have drink after drink after drink. Pretty soon we is all shits and giggles.

"To by drinking buddy," Laely says. "No wait I mean my reading buddy. To the award given for number of consecutive days that a person is given for sitting by the fountain and harassing a freshman while sporting a dog and a fake gangsta accent."

"My accent ain't fake yo. Laely, I gotta ask you somethin'."

"What do you gotta ask me?"

"Is you a virgin?"

"What the fuck do you care if I'm a virgin? It has absolutely no relevance."

"Well, when we're fucking later, I want to know if I should go easy on you, so it is relevant."

"L-o-el! You're funny. There's not going to be any fucking. Maybe some dick sucking. But that's it." She points at me.

"But how does you know..that once we get started, you won't wants to fuck?"

"Why don't you buy me another drink and we'll talk about it, reading buddy."

So I buys that bitch another drink.

"To reading buddies!"

"To my reading buddy. Also soon to be my dick sucking buddy."

"Do you need your dick sucked, is that the problem?"

"That's the problem."

"Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"You is my girlfriend."

"We're reading buddies, my friend, and that's all we are."

"Well now we're dancing buddies and drinking buddies too."


"And soon you is gonna have my dick in your mouth."

"We'll see, we'll see. I haven't been known to have too many dicks in my mouth so the chances aren't good when it comes to yours. Nothing personal."

"Nothing personal taken."

"Although you seem to have a big one. Nice job."

"Thank you. Would you like to touch it?"

"Not now."

"So maybes later then?"


"Once you get the tip of it in your mouth you're gonna want to swallow the whole thing, I can promise you."

"Is this what you think reading buddies talk about?"

"This is exactly what theys talk about."

"Oh, reading buddy." She reaches her hand out to mine, and we're touching while she talks. "You took me by surprise, I admit. And you're the last person I thought I'd be attracted to. But underneath your comical exterior, there's a certain honesty that means something to me. My girlfriends would think I'm crazy---to go out with someone who refers to women as bitches. But I can see that you do it in kind of an endearing way."

"So is we goin' out now?"

"We're out. We went out. How 'bout this: if we go out a second time, then we're going out. Until then, the jury's still out on that one."

"Woulds you like another drink?"

"How much money have you spent on us already? No, let's go buy a forty, or some cough syrup."

"Is you kiddin'?"

"Me is kiddin'. Why don't you come to my place? I have a bottle of Absolut and my roomie's out getting wasted. You can come to my place on the condition that you continue being as good as you have been tonight. I have mace." She laughs.

Me laughs back. "I have mace, too, bitch. And when you be jumpin' my bones I be sprayin' that shit all in your hair and shit."

"You're supposed to spray it in my eyes."

"Alright. Then I be sprayin' it in your eyes."

"Seriously, just be good."

"I will be."

"I might even suck your cock."

"Well let's not get ahead of ourselves. I might be wantin' to suck on your pussy first."

"Oh no, that's not going to happen."

"Why not?"

"A girl sucking a guy's cock is..like..nothing. The other way around? It's much more intimate."

"According to you."

"Exactly! According to me. Do you wanna argue or do you want to come to my place?"


On the way to that bitch's house Laely could hardly stand up. Those Tom Collins's had really done a number on her and she had to lean on yours truly to be able to walk home.

She lived in Baxter, one of the academic dorms, and that bitch lived on the second floor. When we got to her door she turned to me.

"You promise to be good."

"I promises. At the rate we goin' I's just goin' to have to tuck you in and go home, you is so slopped."

"I is sorry," she says deliberately. "I is tryin' to be a good girl. But I's a bad girl at heart."

This got my dick hard. I was imaginin' placin' me fingers between that girl's legs and feelin' how wet she be gettin' at the thought of me cock. Be slippin' me fingers inside her, all sly like.

She opens the door.

"You say your roomie is out for the evening?"

"Yes she's out getting sloshed."

"Does you two like to get sloshed together and do like lesbo things together in the bottom bunk?"

"We're both straight."

"But how is you sure?"

And do you know what that bitch did? That bitch reaches out and she grabs me cock..well, kind of cups me cock in her hand, then pulls her hand back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"Laely, you is a bad bitch. You is a bad bitch at heart. Without the Tom Collins's, I think you be havin' too much of what they call conscience, but you is a fun bitch to hang out with, believe that."

"You wanna have some vodka?"

"I's always wanna be havin' vodka with you."

So Laely hands me the bottle. I's takes the cap off and swigs a little bit of Absolut, then passes that bottle back to that bitch. She takes a big ole swig, puttin' me to shame, and I have to go in for another pass.

Pretty soon that bitch's eyes be rollin' back in her head. She be lyin' back on her bed and her panties be showin' up between her legs. I reaches out and touches her between her legs.

She moves my hand away.

"What?" me say.

"Don't do that."

"Don'ts you want me to give you pleasure?"

"No, I don't want you to give me pleasure."

"Then why dids you invite me here?"

"To drink with me."

"Then let's drink, bitch."

So we drinks some more. Laely stands up so I don't touch her pussy no more. She smooths her dress down so she ain't exposed. But I's seen 'em, I's seen her panties, and I's know they there, and I knows I's gonna have 'em. So she can stands however she wants, 'cause I knows that underneath that dress is a fresh little twist, waiting to be cum upon.

"Laely, why don'ts you have another drink?"

"What do you think this is?"

"I don't knows."

"This is another drink."

"Oh, I sees."

"Let's get really fucking wasted."

"I agrees. We get wasted and then I sits on your face."

"Stop talking like that."

"Is you gonna be suckin' on me bone this evenin'?"

"I doubt it. Just drink with me. Let's talk about what we're reading."

"I think you may have a drinking problem."

"It's college."


"Everyone has a drinking problem."

"I think you has had too many Tom Collins's."

"Shut up. You were drinking 'em too."

"But I think with you body type, Laely, that you should watch what you drink."

"I drink what I want. You got a problem with it?"

"I got a problem with you draggin' me all the way back here and then leavin' me cold, girl."

"Leaving you cold?"

"Why don't you be suckin' on a nigga's bone?"

"Oh, get the fuck out of here with that."

"No, YOU get the fuck out of here with that!"

And I slapped that bitch.

She grabs her face.

She goes for the door.

Me's runs on top of her and grabs that bitch by the hair.

"HELP!" she starts to yell---

But I's clocks that bitch in the back of the head and she falls to the floor. That bitch's face hits the floor---it goes SMACK!

There she is, lyin', Laely face down with her red dress, her legs spread apart, she brings a hand to her mouth and gets blood on it. Then she tries to get up and I CRACK my foot into the back of that bitch's head. She goes limp.

I check her pulse. She's alive, just passed out like a stupid lush. Turn that bitch over. Her eyes are half open, and there's a trickle of blood coming out that bitch's mouth.

I kick that bitch. She don't move.

I take another swig of the Absolut. Call my boy.

"Tic Toc. Yo. What you up to? Listen, homie, I've got the opportunity of a lifetime for you, fool. Got this bitch knocked up in Baxter, 211. What? No, not pregnant. No, she knocked out. Yeah! Get your ass up here homie. Bring Macro. Did you hear me? Get Macrobiotik's dumb ass up here, get him some real pussy for a change. Yeah, Baxter, 211. Don't be takin' your time and shit, this a limited-time offer."

I check that bitch again, and she be calm. Seem like the Tom Collins's be puttin' that bitch to sleep.

So I check around that bitch's apartment, I be lookin' through her drawers and shit. She got tons of books. Then I find her panty drawer, and that bitch be havin' some sexy panties. But what? What's this? In the bottom of her panty drawer be a little white vibrator. This bitch not be a virgin after all! Have the white plastic dick passin' between her pussy lips and going inside! I throw that dildo on that bitch's body.

"Stupid ho! Be cheatin' on me with no dildo!"

I kneel by that bitch's body and pulls up her dress. It's just her sweet pussy-ness, covered with them white panties. I pull them panties off and stuff 'em in my pocket.

Bitch be shaved clean as a baby.

I'm ready to go, but I want to wait for Tic Toc and them. I'm killin' time goin' through that bitch's desk and I find a tube of pumpkin spice-flavored yeast infection cream. I be startin' to think this not be such a good deal. If this bitch has yeast infections. Is it worth it to have your dick fall off?

Then Tic Toc and Macrobiotik get there. While I'm lettin' 'em in the door this guy comes out of the room across the hall and he sees the body lyin' on the floor of 211.

"What be your name, man?"


"Kevin, your girl be givin' it up?"


"You be gettin' laid tonight, Kevin?"

"My girlfriend sucks dick, but that's it."

"Well get your ass inside, Kevin, and catch a piece of this clean academic pussy."

The four of us went inside.

"I be goin' first, since I discovered this bitch. Now get your dicks out and be gettin' ready 'cause we's gots to make this quick."

"Where did you find this bitch, m